dominicdemeyn

:Neutrois Niche:

artwork from childhood

It is always exciting to post something, even more so when it’s something personal. And especially when it’s drawings from childhood. Are you ready for this? Here is a rare glimpse into my child brain:

Nr. 1: “Ich mag das Schulkleid nicht…” (I don’t like the school dress)

Image

 

Nr.2: me as a neutrois?                                                                                                

Image

 

a Neutrois today:

Image

 

Nr.3: a goat for grandpa

Image

 

a real goat

Image

 

Nr.4 my dream home

Image 

that’s more like it nowadays

Image

 

proof of early stage of identity issue

A couple of days ago my mother came to me with a bunch of papers and said she found something I could be interested in. I was caught off guard when she then showed me pictures I had drawn and letters I had composed as a child. I could barely write anything when I was small and it took some time to decipher what I meant by stringing the letters together. The words sounded like what they were meant to describe, but looked nothing like it. 

It was quite funny. Then came a passage in one of the letters adressed to my grandfather. I used to write to my grandparents very often, it seemed like every week at least. It was a bit like messaging only by sending handwritten letters. 

I talked about what I did at school or what trips we made as a family and what I had seen. And one time I seemed to feel the need to just casually tell my grandpa that “by the way, I am not called (female name) and I am in fact a boy like my brother”. It sounded so sure and confident and proud and there-won’t-be-any-discussion-about-this and I-don’t-care-if-you approve-or-not. It made me smile.

I was so happy I started thinking this would get me validity in the trans arena….I was like that as a child and here was written proof! The door for my surgeries and anything else I wanted would surely (have to) open now, for was this not the magical key to approval? 

And then I sobered up again and remembered that I am not really trans IN THAT WAY, and that the letter would be good for transitioning from female to male (at best), but I could probably do that anyway if I wanted to, since people already are inclined to validate that way of thinking. 

But I don’t think that letter is spporting a Neutrois identity, unless one kind of wonders how a little child who has never been exposed to anything beyond the gender binary can come up with a term that has (a) not yet been invented and (b) is not really something a child of that age can really read of spell or understand and therefore has to go with what it does see and recognise, namely, “I am not female, therefore I have to be male…..I guess?…”. 

Gender has always frustrated me. 

I haven’t got proof that I am Neutrois and thus should get surgeries thrown after me and gain people’s affection and compassion, but I have proof that at a very young age I responded negatively to being a girl and I already identified with not being one. 

 

 

But I don’t really need proof anyway, not for myself…………………………………………………………………..

I changed my name and I am tring to find ways of changing my gender status…

…but I still feel I cannot speak out freely, because I am held back by a fear of judgement and some form of suppression. I always have a strange feeling when I log onto WordPress. It’s almost like dysphoria of writing that I experience, which sounds more romantic than it actually feels. I tend to see the computer screen as a potential enemy that listens to every word I say only to cancel it out with other words, words more beautiful, more relevant. 

I tend to write more freely and honestly on facebook.

 

I don’t even write that much on paper, like in a little cute-looking journal, though I have bought at least a dozen over these last few months. That’s partly because I like typing on the computer. Am still looking for that perfect middle ground, a secret diary on the computer screen that I can actually trust.

But then…would I trust my own thoughts? Would you?

some thought about testing for transgender elements in biology

These are my own thoughts as far as I am even capable of having own thoughts:

I’m totally failing at this whole transgender thing…transsexual thing?. Apparently my hormones are normal, and I failed to take the transgender male to female test because I couldn’t answer their questions (cause obviously they didn’t apply to my situation)….Now I’m so excited to see about the DNA testing….what will it tell me, will my DNA turn against me too?

…most of this is a philosophical debate, and not really related to biology at all, except the horrible feelings of body dysphoria and being unable to relate to your physical appearance. . . the question I always wonder about is how can you be transgender (from one to the other) when you have no gender to start with? transgender is seen as movig from 1 to another (say from number 1 to number 2…without implying a hierarchy here, or maybe just a little)….Can you move from 0 to 0? Be an agender transgender? My mind is already Neutrois (agender, closer to Android or other forms of relevant nonexistence), I just want my body to match what’s already in my mind and my soul….Does that count as transgender? If it does, then I am, if it does not, then I am not transgender, but I am still going to me Neutrois…..what a dilemma…….Just as soon as we have the right words for everything, maybe we can move on to surgery…

 

(I wonder if next time I would get more accurate info by consulting the Tarot cards instead biology, at least they are honest…)

 

 

blogging feels like ….’meh’….lately

Lately I’m not bogging much, and I feel a bit guilty in case someone is expecting something from this blog.

One reason for this is that the Internet is so slow that I have to constantly move around the room to make it work. I found out that the best place to blog from is where all the trash is, and this is also the darkest corner of the room. Perhaps this makes blogging more real and raw, but it also leads to headaches and poor eye sight.

The other reason is that blogging feels detached and empty, maybe because almost everything in my life feels that way, but it changed after a while, maybe it became too common and open and did not feel as personal anymore, not as spontaneous, either.

So-after tearing out some pages of emotive writing and then some other pages of family history writing (they belong in a seperate category)-I started blogging on good old paper with a fountain pen. That feeling is so much better, I really feel more relieved. I have something tangible that contains my thoughts and I can come back to them any time. They stay on my four drawer dresser while I am asleep.

 

 

another things about labels

It’s pretty obvious that I am a fan of labels, of categories and of organising things properly so they are more easily understood and remembered. My studies have reflected that bias towards labels and producing mental shapes, having contours for invisible and immeasurable things, and my reactions towards people criticising this view only reinforced it.

I get really defensive when people talk about words as if they had no meaning or no other purpose than to be annoying to them. I identify as Neutrois, and it takes up a whole lot of my life, it is a part of me and how I think, how I feel, how I express myself, how I make choices…. . And that’s just a label. 

I am/was often asked why I don’t want to be a woman, why I don’t identify as a man, since both of these options are freely available to me, I have oh so much freedom to choose who I want to be. But it can also be asked, why do you want to be a woman, why do you identify as a man, have you ever thought about that? They often reply that it’s just natural, they don’t need to question where they are coming from. Is it not a label, because they don’t realise it is just as much a label as mine? It’s just as important to their identity as mine is to my identity. If I called my female-identified colleagues Steve, and bro and treated them like they were male, I doubt that they would like that, so why on earth do people think they have the authority to decide on what my label is and how I should be treated.

It’s like forcing your favourite food on someone who is allergic to it, only because you like it, and then being insulted when they don’t. 

I have many labels; they don’t solely define me but they exist for a reason. They are a communication device, a tool to figure out my likes and dislikes and something that sets me apart from other individuals as an individual. It makes room for more indivdualised existence, for more difference, but this difference is not alienating, only how people resond to it out of ignorance is. It’s not inherently bad, but often difficult to have an unrecognized label, not because the label is faulty, but because society faults you for it. It’s like being with colourblind people who keep telling you a colour does not exist because they themselves can’t see it, and you know it exists and it is beautiful.

It’s like having extrasensory perception. 

So I’ll continue to have labels and recognise tham as such. They can evolve and be discarded over time, or be stuck with forever, it’s up to the person labelling themselves how and for how long they will stick to their label, just like in a relationship.

So, when you hear the word Neutrois, know that it is a label, used by me for myself and for reasons that are important to me. 

http://feminspire.com/why-labels-matter/

I haven’t even fully read this post and I am already thinking about posting it in my recently unused blog, because I think it’s really important. Even if you don’t agree with what is expressed in this blog post on feminspire.com, it’s a relevant topic and I’ve seen many people struggle with the concept of labels.

Are labels really just unnecessarily confusing and even isolating for people who use them? Wouldn’t it be better not to have a label to me more free and move more fluidly through society? 

But if we do not label ourselves, is there perhaps a possibility that someone else will do that for us and take this ‘responsibility’ for us? 

Untitled

re-blog: breaking free of the gender binary

 

Adreess where video is to be found: http://www.chicagoideas.com/videos/336

Let us allow ourselves to listen to this brave young person and also to ourselves, while we’re at it. We don’t need to live in a jungle in order to look into our selves and accept our own nature and stop running after a society that tries to cripple us with their unsound gender rules.

“They need to see their own self for once”…

Ditch those unhealthy notions society tells you about yourself, integrate your spirit and listen to your instinct. Talk to people about who you are and how you feel and be proud of it.

You are a most important part of society and can help make it a better place for everyone. We’re all pioneers in our own right.

I went swimming today

I had a great day today. From the very beginning when I woke up in the morning, it felt like it was going to be a good day. I caught the train without having to wait for long and considered that to be one of many omens that things were going to go my way. Things like that are an encouragement. 

I went to the shops and bought new clothes and a towel and I found what I was looking for straight away. People were friendly today, too. All in all, a good atmosphere to pursue a potentially damaging quest: to go swimming alone in a place I did not know, with people I did not know, who would likely consider me freakish and obscene.

I just went in, not knowing what to expect, went into the locker rooms and eventually the swimming area like an innocent little wisp who doesn’t know human conventions and doesn’t really care about them anyway. Who was going to argue with me?

I felt so great in my body, not even half as dissociated as usual. I could move as freely as I liked and noone responded to me in any way. They did notice something, but did not react negatively. I am so happy that noone told me to leave or made any snide comments or told me to get dressed properly. I had nothing to hide.

My beautiful breastless body could enjoy such a simple pastime as swimming in a public pool, without me having to explain myself, itself. 

I don’t know whether they knew I was trans or not, or even suspected it, or whether they ever considered my body to have been shaped by me like that on purpose and was not formed by some form of illness. I could be a woman with no chest, a man with no chest, or even a child, considering how youthful I sometimes look, and so maybe it was easier to ‘pass’. 

I don’t usually like gender bending or being androgynous or being considered one gender one day and another the next, but it’s still better than being perpetually put in one box. I seem to easily switch boxes, and that’s liberating. I don’t take sides, I neither support the male nor the female side in the gender wars. I prefer everyone to be neutral and just get on with life.