Gradually something changed. I became more aggressive and determined to stand up for my rights, eventhough I still doubted that they even existed. I started to accept the fact that I had been traumatised and pushed aside so others could benefit. I resolved to give my parents and others that came into my sphere of existence some ‘tough love’ for a change. I tried to be honest with them in regard to how I felt and how I identified, honest and slightly confrontational, even at the risk of loosing everyone that was left in my life. And, lo and behold, the people finally started to wake up.
It was difficult to make them understand how I had felt all those years and why I had distanced myself from their paternalising and overbearing ‘care’ and it still is, because standing up for oneself is never about just one event in one’s life. It’s a struggle that is unlikely to ever really end. When I look back into the past to when I was a young child, I don’t see myself as having made much progress. Whereas before I had looked for ways how I could just be me: the child, now I’m looking for ways to be me: the adult who was a child once (and still is in many ways). I continue to redefine myself constantly, even if I don’t/can’t always show my identity openly to society and it isn’t reflected back at me from other members of my species.
My biology (what is called ‘gender characteristica’ by some) was one of the main reasons my life turned out the way it did. Now it’s time that I started defining my biology the way it suits. I was not ready for when society attacked me with gender stereotypes, I did not even know gender existed when I was confronted with gender roles. Now, I don’t give a damn if society is ready for me!
I still have some Type 2 species dysphoria and definitively have Type 1 gender dysphoria. I’m not proud of being part of the human race, but I’m glad to have the capacity to survive and change. I’m Neutrois, because this is finally a definition I feel comfortable with. I’m so glad this word exists, because what it defines is an important part of my life. It gives me a completely different outlook on existence.
In certain circles I might still not exist, but at least I know now that I exist for myself and parts of me just cannot be erased however much they try.