:Neutrois Niche:

Month: May, 2012

Why my gender might not be like everyone else’s Part II

Gradually something changed. I became more aggressive and determined to stand up for my rights, eventhough I still doubted that they even existed. I started to accept the fact that I had been traumatised and pushed aside so others could benefit. I resolved to give my parents and others that came into my sphere of existence some ‘tough love’ for a change. I tried to be honest with them in regard to how I felt and how I identified, honest and slightly confrontational, even at the risk of loosing everyone that was left in my life. And, lo and behold, the people finally started to wake up.

It was difficult to make them understand how I had felt all those years and why I had distanced myself from their paternalising and overbearing ‘care’ and it still is, because standing up for oneself is never about just one event in one’s life. It’s a struggle that is unlikely to ever really end. When I look back into the past to when I was a young child, I don’t see myself as having made much progress. Whereas before I had looked for ways how I could just be me: the child, now I’m looking for ways to be me: the adult who was a child once (and still is in many ways). I continue to redefine myself constantly, even if I don’t/can’t always show my identity openly to society and it isn’t reflected back at me from other members of my species.

My biology (what is called ‘gender characteristica’ by some) was one of the main reasons my life turned out the way it did. Now it’s time that I started defining my biology the way it suits. I was not ready for when society attacked me with gender stereotypes, I did not even know gender existed when I was confronted with gender roles. Now, I don’t give a damn if society is ready for me!



I still have some Type 2 species dysphoria and definitively have Type 1 gender dysphoria. I’m not proud of being part of the human race, but I’m glad to have the capacity to survive and change. I’m Neutrois, because this is finally a definition I feel comfortable with. I’m so glad this word exists, because what it defines is an important part of my life. It gives me a completely different outlook on existence.

In certain circles I might still not exist, but at least I know now that I exist for myself and parts of me just cannot be erased however much they try.


Why my gender might not be like everyone else’s Part I

Like a lot of trans-people, I also knew I was different from a very young age.

When I could hardly even speak I was wondering what the deal was, who I was and what it meant. I kept asking the same questions over and over again: <<What is the [insert real name], what is the [insert real name]?>> I don’t think I really expected an answer from anyone, for if I couldn’t figure this out, how could they?

My concern at that time were a bit like every trans person’s: why do I feel different? However, at that time, I was also decidedly more concerned with species rather than with gender. While other girls and boys were having human role models, mine almost exclusively tended to be of the animal, robot, or other kind. I kept referring to myself in the third person, partly because I couldn’t speak properly, and partly because it felt just right.

I have three brothers and am generally pretty observant. Yet when comparing myself to them I never thought I was the girl in the family, I just thought I was a child. My brothers were different from me, of course, but the major difference I could perceive was how they were treated and how they treated me. The way they treated me made me different. The treatment and decisions of others upon my soul was what started the great divide between me and my fellow peers and relatives. I never asked to be treated with disrespect and ignorance.

After endless years of being made a stereotype by the taunting, the dominant behaviour, the ridiculous assumptions of humans, I put my identity aside and hid it from the world. Unfortunately, that also had effect that I lost access to it, myself, while I internalized every single bit of crap that I was told about who I was.


I played along for many frustrating, debilitating, physically and mentally damaging, plain fucked up years, until I finally reached that point where I could no longer go forward, nor back. I felt completely empty, …drained. I actually felt like I ceased to exist, like somewhere along the way I had died and somehow not really noticed when it had happened. I found myself in a really dark place. I had lost my sense of self and what I wanted from life (had I ever really known?), and didn’t know how to get it back; I had always relied on other people defining me (thinking it was for my own good) and when they finally were out of my life (because they didn’t really care in the end), I was stunned.

Scared shitless, I did not know where to begin to find myself. I kept thinking maybe someone else knows, and really had to force myself not to run to the next retard who had an easy answer for everything. I thought what’s the point of asking questions I might never find the answers to? So, for a while, I concentrated on just living, instead: I bought food, cleaned the apartment, visited family, ate, slept. I went for walks and that was a great achievement in itself. Every day that I spent living without having some moron meddling in my life was a little victory and brought me closer to myself.

so far…

I have got quite a few posts lined up that I want to add to this blog. I’m also working on more art stuff, but everything is a bit disorganised and spontaneous.
I might change the blog settings to a more mature rating, just because I don’t want to offend anyone in case they don’t think this is PG stuff. I also would like to talk about ugly topics (‘mature’ topics).

So far I have quite a few ideas about what to talk about and I wish I was able to use HTML script or was more tech savvy so I could inlcude more fun stuff like cartoons, animations, games, etc…

How Gender Stereotypes Influence Emerging Career Aspirations

This is a long youtube educational video about how gender stereotypes influence emerging career aspirations. It’s quite entertaining if one has the time and desire  to listen, so I’ll recommend it.

Although it highlights the disparities between performance outcomes of males and females and negative influences on females, it can be applied to both genders, as well, as someone in the comments section mentioned: “And I’ve been stereotyped by female employees before… because I’m a male, suddenly I have to take the physically demanding jobs at the summer camp. Because I’m a male I can’t help out with the art camps, even tho I play many musical instruments and paint and draw…”

Gender stereotypes are a no-win situation for those affected by them.

This video is just a reference guide and introduction to what following posts are going to be about, so that those of you who don’t want to read about or listen to this stuff anymore are forewarned.

P.S.: I love listening to people talk…. (one of my secret special powers)

P.P.S: I have nothing to do with Stanford University so this is not an endorsement (but I love the Intro 🙂 )

P.P.P.S: I feel intelligent now.

Series I: Part I: The black Sheep

This is the first slide of the series ‘Ignomas Nobel’s educational travels into the unconscious’


Ignomas Nobel is quite the character. Though he prefers a quiet and easy life he is often thrown into the most vexing and tumultous situations. Often unbeknown to himself, he often comes close to discovering the hidden truths of existence. Through his propensity for doing nothing for a long time, he transmits a special kind of energy that is then reflected back to him by his surroundings and ultimately puts him into a meditative state where he learns more about things he never really thinks about. These revelations seem to come from a hidden source.

In this world of wonders, objects have colours they don’t usually have. In this world, one needs not think about everyday existence, only the essential exists here. Oftentimes, Ignomas only obtains glimpses of this world, for it has the power to transform itself and is extremely fluid and cannot be fully grasped.

Ignomas ventures into this space, not with a conventional method of transportation such as a yellow submarine, but with a black sheep. This sheep conducts him to places he has never been before. It is difficult to see where he is going, as he is seated in a position that only really allows him to look behind. Ignomas’s ability to be apathetic and yet curious has brought him into contact with his travel companion and he is happy with going on this journey as long as it doesn’t provide him with physical discomfort.

The name I was not given

Dominic: A male name of Latin origin, meaning ‘lord’. According to it is “appropriate for a child born on Sunday, the lord’s day”. A popular name.

Demeyn: old word for demesne, meaning estate, region, territory, domain: legal possession of land as one’s own.


So, combining these two words, I got the meaning Lord of the Manor. It’s a pretty arrogant title, until you apply it to your own body and soul. I wanted desperately to express the fact that my body and mind (the demesne/domain) belonged to me. It’s literally a ‘no man’s land’.

Noone gave me this name, it’s male after all, and I already have my family’s last name, which I must carry around with me for all time. My real name is very common and I have never liked it. I don’t want to hear it, I want to forget it like a lot of other things. I want to toss it into the confines of history.

Wouldn’t it be nice if people could choose for themselves what names they would be called? Names are so important: they are merely a string of letters attached to each other and sounds coming forth from the vocal chords when one speaks, and YET they are so much more than that. A name adds to a person’s charachter and defines who that person IS. When one speaks their name, one inevitably attaches it to the characteristics that a person possesses or is thought to possess.

Names are gendered, and there seems no way around it. That is why it’s so difficult to say one’s real name when one doesn’t identify with it. One either says  <I’m Mary>, or Susan, or Hilda or whatnot, <and I am ‘Other’> (for example, neither male or female) and they say <No, your name is betraying you, it’s female, so you must be, too!>

If one says, for example, <Hello, I’m Dominic>, or whatnot, they say <No, your physical appearance betrays you, I can see clearly that you are female, and since your body is such, then you must be, too>.


I bet that if one was to call onself a number to eliminate a gender-specific name, one would still be gendered. Hmmm, what gender do you think this number is? What gender is this colour? What gender is this dish?

People cannot seem to stop themselves, it is their primary obsession in life! With their skewed vision of gender they not only affect their own lives but the quality of life of countless others, …. those who are trying to resist being cornered by gender specifics made up mostly of arbitrary aspects created from the maelstrom, the primeval ever-lastingly boiling, stinking soup, of the gender binary (domination and hegemonic behaviour).

So now, when people ask my name, it’s very important to me to answer truthfully; I understand that just by saying this word, I will have made a first impression and will have given them information about myself that they will use to try and squeeze me into a tiny little cardboard box (that has my name on it).

When people ask that I introduce myself and want to know :Who are YOU?: I avoid saying my name, and instead would like to tell them who I am.




Pledge to self-human rights- work it out

(-) I will not do a task for a man someone that he that someone can do for himself that someone’s own self.

(-) I will not boost a man’s someone’s ego just because he that someone feels like it or has broken his that someone’s fingernail or has a cold.

(-) I will respect a man someone only if he that someone is deserving of respect.

(-) I will not feel obliged to explain myself to a man someone for being who I am.

(-) I will not have my thoughts and feelings invalidated by a man someone just because he that someone wants to feel powerful and important.

Identify – as – Awesome

reblogged from It’s pronounced Metrosexual

more about symbols

As this is a very new blog, I’ll explain some symbols first. These can be found at the top of this page and include a raised fist, some Neutrois colours, and a scallop shell.

The raised fist symbolises strength, but also solidarity and empowerment.

The colours represent ‘Neutrois’, a gender identity. They are represented on the fist to show my support for this identity.**

The shell is a symbol for spiritual search and pilgrimage. As I confront myself, my values, and gender/sexual identity, I will be on a journey that involves looking within myself and trying to figure out where I came from and where I am going with my life. I hope I will find some amount of self-realization, but also self-acceptance along the way.

Neutrois Niche is the name of this blog, because I identify as Neutrois and this is my niche. However, I also identify with transgenderism, with feminism, and other, mostly marginalised, ‘isms. I’m not an activist, my focus is too much on myself. However, I really hope that through increased exposure, these groups will get the recognition and respect they deserve and get what they need to live fulfilling lives.


**for more information:


Another wordpress blog

To anyone who stumbled on this site and is reading this: This is another wordpress blog. I have attempted to create other blogs, but they were not a success, mostly due to the fact that I didn’t write anything in them. So, my bad.

I hope this one will be different and I won’t neglect it as much. I hope I won’t abandon it when i feel depressed or frustrated.

So, here’s to a brand new start !!