dominicdemeyn

:Neutrois Niche:

Month: June, 2012

A big THANX for the likes

Today, on 30th of June 2012 at 6:56 pm I want to shout out a big THANK YOU TO ALL who had a look at my blog, read some lines of my writing, and even liked some of the stuff!!

It feels like I’ve reached a milestone already since I started out, though I know I’m only beginning and there is a lot I could improve on in terms of writing and my language choice and humour, and art.

I am also very happy that people have visited this blog, because I now knoe about theirs. Their creativity and writing skills and interest in various topics, their ideas and what they stand for really encourage me to look at things from a different perspective. It makes me jealous to see so many great (creative, versatile, beautiful) things and people out there, and that makes me want to be a better person, writer, ‘artist’, and communicator. It’s a distant goal and I assure you, I am working on these things.

So I am raising my [carton of Hohes C Multi-Vitamin juice] to YOU for enriching my life, entertaining and enlightening me!

Cheers to your health and well-being and to a long life of happy blogging!

 

 

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Nature is watching

As Ignomas Nobel walked up the stairs, the colours of his surroundings became less blurred. He recognized distinct shapes and familiar settings. Being a product of nature, he was intensely drawn to natural things, eventhough here, in this world, the abstract followed him wherever he went.

He felt a little bit like a foreigner, who was judged by the natives of the land for his Otherness. Usually he found peace and quiet in his little garden, where he would often go to meditate and cultivate plants that would give him pleasure (roses, lillies, daffodils and such) and sustenance (vegetables and fruits). But he was also  interested in other species of plant; he even owned a meat-eating plant that mostly cared for itself and was of not much practical value for Ignomas. And yet he cared.

This place felt like the presence of a plant that was capable of caring for itself. Here, several consciences met for the first time: the over-arching tree-forms and the comparatively little human-character-form of Ignomas Nobel. A stromg energy emanated from every object in this sphere, even the stones radiated pure life and a consience-energy that seemed to exceed that which was felt by Ignomas with living things in his home-town.

He resolved to let as much energy as he could into his own being without loosing that energy which he called his own, and which was always part of him. For there were many kinds of energy and conscience, that he knew. He was not, alas, able to bottle it up in a scientific and expedient way, but used his own physicality to carry this energy within him. There it would be safe, but there was a possibility that it would mix with his own and thereby be contaminated. How would he ever be able to know which energy was which if this happened? Mixing his and the tree- and othe life-forms’ energy could result in a new type, which even would not have been categorised yet.

Would it even be possible to take away something precious from this world and place it into his own? Would it survive or disintegrate? The best thing for now was to wander in the forests and fields of consciousness and absorb the pure fresh ether (living spirit) of its inhabitants. Their curiosity signalled to Ignomas that they, too, were wondering about this foreign creature and willing to communicate.

1 week of work over and I think I need a holiday

It’s been a week since I started my new job in a factory-like environment, where everyday one does the same repetitive task for hours. I thought this would give me an opportunity to be alone with my thoughts (and earn money at the same time) and not have to comunicate with people (too much), but it appears to be the case that people will communicate with me, even if I don’t communicate with them.

I just want to do my job and then go home to some more me-time (as arrogant as that might sound). I can’t wait to step out of  that infested cage that my co-workers inhabit. They are nice enough (meaning they call me Dominic and don’t beat me up for existing, at least not physically). But they just can’t help ‘being funny’. The only thing I find is funny is that they are talking to a wall, to someone who is so utterly removed from them as to not even live in the same universe (at least not the same head-space universe).

Their grand conduct is starting to piss me off, and it’s been only a week at work; how will I be able to shut myself off from them for a whole month? How can one be so immature as to laugh and make a ‘joke’ (something about genitalia) everytime someone asks for a ‘Gummi’ (a german word for elastic band that is also often used as a word for condom)….after the 100th time, it sort of gets a bit un-funny.

Here are some more comments I had to listen to:

Context: I had been talking about me trying to remove myself from gender, as I didn’t think it existed and that it was damaging to myself and others, so I told them about the double mastectomy and other life choices and being a Neutrois

“Well, that’s not very womanly and grown up to be running away from yourself, you seem to be more of a girl than a woman”

(Response (real or imagined): Well, that’s exactly my point: I am NOT a woman, deal with it!)

“Hey Dominic, don’t dream at work!” “She’s a bit of a dreamer”…

(First you call me Dominic, then you use the female pronoun; seems you haven’t learnt yor lesson…are you trying to turn me into a transwoman now, or what?)

Context: The supervisor came walking by (back and forth) smelling strongly of some (I am guessing ‘male’ perfume, though perfume has no gender) and then ended up talking to his intimates (the people who work for him but who he also relates to on a deeper level because they all have dicks) and goes and says:

“She MUST be a lesbian”

(I said before that I am anti-sexual, I am celibate. That does NOT make me a lesbian, because a lesbian would have a sexual orientation, whereas I have none. I like neither men nor women, nor indeed am I attracted to Neutrois or other people. I am NOT sexually attracted to anyone, I am repulsed by them! Just because I don’t drop down to the floor and start undressing and behaving all submissive to you and your colleagues, eventhough you are wearing perfume and smell so ‘manly’, that does not make me a lesbian. Get over it, man!)

“Well, I don’t understand you, it’s a lot to stomach”, one of his colleagues: “I don’t get it, either!”

(Yes, of course you had to say that to pledge allegiance to your superiour and make sure that everyone knows that you, too, are not into my ideas and can never understand how a woman (since I told them, after they just wouldn’t let go of the question, that I was born female) cannot want children and a man (someone apparently with ugly stinking parts hanging between their legs). UNFATHOMABLE)

Context: The men (people with dicks, in case anyone forgot how important they are) talked about female health issues after a female colleague mentioned why she wasn’t confident in getting her motorbike license. She said she often had pain in her pelvic area due to some issue with her bone health and structure. This prompted the men (de menz) to discuss in length female propensity to suffer from these issues and how it would affect their child-bearing capacities. Undoubtedly they will also have thought that, in fact, this might be the reason why I have not yet pressed a screaming little shit-head human out of my precious body.

(In fact, I don’t like pain and having to care for some ugly fucking human for the rest of my life; I am not into children (screaming little dirty fucking shits) and am rather fond of the no-child, no-copulation (ever) policy.

Context: I talked more in detail about why I wanted and eventually got a mastectomy. My fresh scars are still hurting, even while I am typing this now, and it’s a particularly sensitive and important issue for me. And what does one of those old-fashioned men say to me:

“Oh well, I know that some women get that done, because there’s cancer running in the family, and they are scared of getting cancer”

(So, mastectomy is allowed for any other reason than not liking your God-given breasts?)

________________________________

These men at work are an interesting study of how the human brain can work to deny any and all evidence to an argument one does not agree with. The brain (and yes, even men are endowed with it, though they tend to focus on the fat down there) is an amazing organ and protects us as best it can from mental shock and things we don’t want to see. It seems even men are not immune to this.

So while they will continue (for how long, I wonder?) to study me and look or signs or lesbianism, mental illness, sexual deviance, or impotence (even a blink of an eye while talking about these things will be enough evidence for them to deem me such and such, because a blink of an eye will be considered a response and if I respond that means ‘YES” to whatever it is that men currently think about, eventhough a might’ve just blinked because that’s what humans tend to do when they sit for hours in front of a computer screen), I will continue to study them and all their short-comings as human beings and as beings who define themselves and almost everything around them/everything that affects them through the gender lens.

Funnily enough, I did not get any thoughts from the women co-workers on my ideals, other than something along the lines of “Well, each to their own” and “if you are happy with your choices”…..Apparently these women had no need to defend themselves from me and my ideas…

First day at work (temp)

I am now officially a working person who rushes out of the house in the morning to start the arduous trek to work. Instead of exploring the land of my dreams (dreamland) I will now spend my precious mornings to explore the various types of dirt and debris along subwaylines and the gossip and psychological games that are thrown hither and thither in the hallowed rooms of industry and commerce.

It was the first day of work after slowly having come out to family and whatever friends were left. Having done some work on myself and practiced both transitioning and communicating myself, I felt more confident about myself than a couple of months ago. However, that didn’t really prompt me to scream out “Hey, everybody, I’m trans!” and “Do you want to have a look at my chest” (with a wry smile).

I kind of stayed away from the group, who seemed to form a cluster in every 10 minute break. I wasn’t used to taking breaks with everyone at work and did not want to meddle in their affairs. I didn’t know what to talk about and couldn’t really keep up with their logic and choice of words when talking.

So I stood apart from them and just waited to go back in (to work), but the eventually ‘accosted’ me about my ‘shyness’ (lack of socialisisng) and sort of in a round-about way told me off for it (by using HUMOUR).

I got the message and went on the offnse straight away; it was as if a switch had been switched, a script played out. I confronted them straight away about the ‘trans issue’, especially when they talked about my weight and, more especially, my style of clothing. Yes, they talked about it, but at least they talked with me about me, which gave me free reign to respond. I told them straight away that I am so ‘thin’ because recently I lost a bit of weight, because I had top surgery and now there is ‘nothing’ left were before there was something.

I also told them that I practiced abstinence in all things (I hope I haven’t encouraged them to probe me further on this….my aim was for them to be discouraged to think about ‘normal’ things in relation to me)…

They took it quite well, though I could see that with all their positive reinforcement and acceptance, they could still not comprehend fully what I said. Especially one guy, who kept asking me whether I was born female, and seemed to be relieved when I answered that with an affirmative.

I hope this trans thing won’t interfre too much in my work now that I am outed. Or perhaps it is good that I got it out of the way, because now there’s less suspicions floating around (I was pretty vehement and honest about my thoughts)…I detonated the trans-bomb before someone could accidentally step on it and catch me off guard.

There are some female, some (more) male workmates, and I know that ‘boys will be boys, and girls will be girls’ ;

At least my workmates will probably always fit this stereotype.

Group: “Blah”
Individual: “Does not compute!”

Gender Across Borders

I just found you while I made my way through the vast space of Inter-Net.

Why are you leaving?

You must have accomplished a lot in the last 3 years of blogging and sendinf messages out into space.

I hope I can gain from your articles that I will read and peruse. I have a feeling the topics on your website are far more intriguing than others I have already encountered.

I hope what you are saying on your site is not going to be lost.

I hope the archives of the net will store yuor wisdom and reverence for [thought]…

 

 

 

A sexual organ’s most practical uses: Genital Recycling

As I don’t have any idea what a sexual organ (reproductive tract etc.) is good for, I have tried to come up with some practical uses that will benefit not only oneself (!) but the environment and society.

(Feel free to add some of your own ideas)

THE BADASS GENITAL RECYCLING FIRM (we don’t mind putting our asses on the line for your pleasure)

1. burn the stuff (mentioned above) and use the resulting ash as fertiliser for your garden. It’s biological!

2. Spare the poor fish and use chunks of cut out sexual organs instead as shark bait, they are bound to love it, it’s natural!

3. make a powder of the dead material and create some organic paint; it’s a great way to add some of yourself to your projects!

4. make some art (there aren’t any boundaries here), just be creative. People love porn, so you’ll get a warm welcome!

5. send greeting cards with a part of yourself. Instead of signing your name, youu can just add a body part, since everyone defines you as such, they’ll have no problem recognising the card was sent by you. They’ll appreciate the personal nature of the gift!

6. Make a Halloween costume out of said organs and swap them around during the party for an unforgettable experience of culture. Immerse yourself in western culture by taking part in their traditional festivities and experience, above all, to be called ‘cunt’ and ‘dick’. It will give you a new perspective on life!

7. Experiment! You might want to engineer the stuff so it acts as your personal representative. This way you can be at two places at once and if someone annoys yuo you can easily say “talk to my vag.” and it’ll really start talking!

8. You always wanted to give your pet a part of yourself, be one with it. It’s part of a loving relationship! So, why not manufacture some personalised pet food and feed it to your loved one, so he/she will have a part of you in him/herself. It’s a very special gift and will make the bond of love and friendship (on your part at least) much stronger!

9. This is for the fundamentalists out there who don’t want to be neglected and will be happy to hear that they, too, can benefit from our latest offers. Why not use body parts as bio-weapon/bio-hazard. They are great projectiles and can easily be used to blackmail other people and generally get what one wants. It’s always good to have some spare parts; one is guranteed to succeed by having organs for every occasion. Need to be the boss, just strap on item Nr. 6448, need to be a female dominatrix, there’s a part for that, too. You can play whatever role you want and succeed in it!

___________________________________________

Disclaimer:

Sorry, we do not have parts for the non-sexual/non-gendered minority out there, but we are working on it to satisfy you, too.

bought a black ring, eventhough I’m not nearly as asexual as people on AVEN

So, a finally bought a black ring today. I’m wearing it on the middle finger of my right hand like I’m supposed to, to signify my disinterest in sexual activities (to promote asexualism).

I doubt people will understand or even care what it means, so I’ve thought up other methods to let them know how I feel about this topic:

What if I could just use a device that would give a person an electric shock, everytime they would think of a sexual act involving me. Just a thought would be enough to insult and put me at risk, so I would just trigger the device and out the thought would go. This could be repeated as many times as required to make the person understand (to educate them) of my desires, since they are so interested in desire in the first place.

I often have negative thoughts about people, too. I have my share of evil energy, believe you me! But mine differs slightly from a sexual person’s. I don’t want to torture people, I just want to kill them and get it over with. In addition, while I think of a fast and effective way of killing them (their bodies), they are attempting to kill my soul. While I want to get rid of them because they are a threat to my safety and sanity, they relish in my agony and take pleasure in inflicting physical pain. While killing them quickly will mean that they might suffer a little pain before they are dead, their actions will have repercussions and hurt a million more times after the event and haunt me for the rest of my life. Therefore, I believe my thoughts of killing them are far less damaging than their thoughts of sexualizing me.

Maybe I should change my attitude, and reject the idea of killing them (I don’t want to go to prison) to a more traditional idea which is just in line with their own philosophy: don’t necessarily kill, but conquer! I would love to introduce the idea of zapping sexual deviants (most sexual people, in my opinion) until they cannot articulate their needs or desires, just like so many females in the world.

After having read a bit of Andrea Dworkin’s ‘intercourse’ series, and having been part of the AVEN community, I really wonder WHY CAN’T WE JUST ADMIT THAT WE DON’T LIKE SOMETHING?

Why do we always have to be either neutral or activiely like and endorse a product or activity? Children complain about vegetables (and they are even good for them) and nobody harasses them for it. Am I not allowed to say I hate something (something and not someone)? Why am I not allowed to express my ideas? Why can I not say I’m anti-something? All I’m saying to people is “I really hate this, I don’t want this and I really want you to know and accept that”.

I aspire to be a neutral, but that doesn’t mean I have no likes/dislikes or personality or personal rights. I would like to neutralise gender and sex, not my personal freedom of expression!!

I am wearing this ring in case anyone knows what it signifies and if someone asks, I will not hesitate to explain the details, that I’m not asexual (as in neither like nor dislike sex and am neither for or against it) but that I’m highly antagonistic to sexual activity and thought, highly antisexual. There’s a big difference there, and although I know I tend to the extremes (as in highly anti-), I also think that people all over the world should be allowed and even encouraged to express their sexual preferences OR LACK THEROF.

Maybe people are so scared of others expressing their sentiments for fear of starting something that will eventually not be stopped by commercialising people’s bodies and constant brainwashing; an acknowledgment of personal freedom (from hegemony and platitudes). If some individuals start criticising the institution (to which sexuality belongs) then maybe more will follow. And then what? Of course, the world will come to an end (and people with female genitalia or gender all over the world will gain more confidence and more rights). Oh my God, what a horrible thought that is….not. So forgive me for advocating the anti-sexual stance (yet another term, like Neutrois, and non-gender, and freedom) that does not really exist. But it doesn’t mean that it’ll be suppressed forever.

Some day I’ll be able to say “I don’t agree with phallocentric ideas” and I will not be scolded, but applauded.

“noone ever told me I had the right to say something!”

 

Gender follows me everywhere!

Yesterday I attended a lecture of the (in)famous artist Jeff Koons. I only went because my cousin gave me the ticket as she herself could not attend, and I thought it was a good idea to spend an evening not watching crap TV for once.

I didn’t dress up or even think about my attire, because it wasn’t an official sort of thing and I really didn’t care whether I loked pretty or not, acceptable yes, but definitely not pretty.

We had to wait for ages, standing in the white-washed hall in front of tiny video screens that were supposed to communicate Koon’s words to the audience (who hadn’t paid as much as the others). Luckily it wasn’t too crowded, and the crowd seemed quite diverse and well-behaved.

I found my little space at a table near one of the screens. Unfortunately I didn’t have my flag with me to tag it as completely mine, so in the end, people ended up sharing the space with me. Normally I would have been extremely annoyed at having to come into less than 1 metre contact with a stranger, but these days my shyness is slowly dissipating more and more.

What really annoyed me, though, and I still don’t know whether I should be angry at myself or the person who said the words, was the fact that, this person who started to talk to me realised that I was ‘female’ (that I had female anatomy)…He just so nonchalantly said those words that made me realise, I’m not stealth in my gender yet. Eventhuogh I recently had my breasts removed, he apparently knew I had other female anatomy, for he used female titles with me…WHY?????

Then, on the way home, there was a couple of people in the tram (a coupl?). The guy let the woman go in first, and I was standing right behind them, waiting for them to get going so I could find a seat. The guy turned and looked at me and said: ladies first and urged me to go ahead. I was startled, because, on the one hand, I found it nice that wanted to let me go first, but on the other, I was annoyed that he assumed that I was a ‘lady’ (and thus female). Once again, I couldn’t fathom how these people could tell, since even my own family and I myself sometimes don’t know for sure what I am…

I actually responded to that guy that I wasn’t a lady and urged him to go in front, instead. He did, and I don’t know what he thought of me. I hope he realises that his behaviour was not necessarily patronising and wrong as such, but with the wrong kind of person, his behaviour did not have the result he probably intended his action to have. I was a bit torn at how to respond because I wasn’t prepared for this and did not want to give the wrong impression, In the end, I decided to try to communicate my feelings by denying this man the right to be ‘a gentleman’, as I believe I have the right to do so. For he explicitly said “ladies first”, thus his niceness and gentlemanly behaviour was only directed towars a female gender (lady), thus conditional. It gave me the option either to accept and thus accept the gender he was adressing, as well, or decline, and thereby not receive special (nice) treatment.

I think this might be a dilamme that I will continue to encounter in future. I hope my responses will help communicate to people that my gender is not normative or at least make them think before they use those gendered words so carelessly and thus put the person who is adressed in a gendered and restricted box full of unspoken gender norms. I am using all my limited social skills and temper control to avoid that box, and if I am put there by mistake, I will find a way to crawl out, again!

The above stories also make me wonder, if gender is really so much about organs and biology, and not other things: body language (how one carries oneself), and energy (what types of ‘vibe’ one sends out). I think there’s a lot more work to be done to live ‘stealth’ (fully and constantly) in my own gender role. Considering that my gender is non- it is especially hard to escape being polarised into the one or the other gender, but I’ll try to continue, because it’s a need of mine. I want to increase my quality of life, and just like others, I want to be validated and accepted as my gender.

I am only afraid that if I try to communicate my gender, I will start acting again according to what I believe a non-gender would act like (according to other people). I would probably do things that I think other people whould associate with being non-gender, instead of just being me (even if that sometimes means I will be mis-gendered).

What are your thoughts on this?

If I could bottle up the seabreeze

 

from the song ‘The summer’ by Josh Pyke

 

The List

(1) Australian Psychologist (years ago): Adelaide, Australia: RATING: 0/5

-lack of respect; told me full of enthusiasm: Let’s see which one you are, let’s see what we can turn you into…I didn’t like that.

(2) Australian Psychologist (years ago): Adelaide. Australia: RATING 1/5

-very impersonal, didn’t understand the issue at hand (no idea about gender theory), told me to stop focusing on it….no useful advice.

(3a) Irish Nurse (2011): Roscommon, Ireland: RATING: 3/5

-was not qualified to deal with gender issues and kept talking about completely unrelated things, however, listened, too.

(3b) Irish Nurse (2011) Roscommon, Ireland: RATING: 4/5

-was generally respectful and accepting and even interested in the topic, had some good advice and admitted to not knowing everything.

(4) Mc Lean Clinic (2012) Mississauga, Canada: RATING: 5/5

-very friendly and helpful, increased my confidence by how they dealt with me and my ideology. Made sure I was treated well; professional organisation that does the job effectively, but also with a human component.