I don’t need a hug, I need surgery!
(Edited because of spellling mistakes).
I’ve been thinking a lot lately and reading a lot of blogs ranging from Trans to Radfem (radical feminism) to Travel. I read a quote on one of the blogs about pain and release and it occured to me, that I have been trying to gain release for a long time (a vey long time). I think unconsciously I was driven to this point in my life; all the confusion and hatred I had built up brought me to a point where I could finally realease some tension and redefine myself.
I have complained a lot about how I feel in recent times, both to family and friends, and some people in LGBTQ groups (actually just 1 group, I haven’t yet found another where I now live). The responses of these people were mostly filled with concern, and I got some good advice about general techniques on how to relax, mostly to do with taking deep breaths and relaxing the musles (massage, sauna, etc.). Some encouraged me to just not think about things too much, some told me to keep busy and ignore my thoughts. I actually think all of these things can be very useful when presented with a stressful situation, if one has the time and resources to do them.
But I have also realised that I cannot really ignore the way I feel anymore, and I really think my body/mind (they are, in fact, a bit split) is telling me something and I really want to listen.I have been dreaming a lot more about a new chest, and I’ve seen myself with bandages and it felt alright (partly due to the fact that in the dream I felt no pain or naesea). Then I recently had a dream (a bit disgusting) about not being able to breath, my nose and throat were blocked and I thought I would choke. I had to cough a lot until finally a big green ball of slimy stuff came out and I could breathe again. I think all these dreams I had were positive signs, were signs of release.
I am extremely sensitive and absolutely detest any physical contact with another living thing, especially when it’s unannounced and ‘aggressive’. I don’t diffrerenciate between men and women, animals or plants in this regard. I don’t want or need physical closeness. I don’t feel happy in my body, so everytime someone touches it, I get angry, because I can feel my body much more intensely, and I don’t like the way it feels at all. When someone touches me, I feel validated (in the wrong body), so, in other words, I feel validated as WRONG. My favourite state of being is a form of dissociation, where I cannot feel any body part (like when one is asleep). It takes a lot of energy and concentration to do that, and of course I get pissed off when someone comes along and destroys all my hard work in an instant without even knowing what they just did.
I don’t need a hug. Dysphoria does not go away just because someone rubs their body parts on mine. There was a queer person (in many ways) I met at a LGBTQ gathering and she/he/it (honestly, I didn’t even talk long enough with them to know) was trying to give me support. I had talked about surgery and this person made comments along the lines of it’s not gonna happen, noone would allow me to have surgery, and the breasts would grow back anyway. Then this person proceeded to show support by hugging me. I thought this was a bit weird…first it tried to destroy my hopes and then it gave me a hug. ..What on earth did it attempt to achieve with this behaviour?
Hugs, like burying the dead, are done to gratify the party who is giving the hug, and not necessarily the receiver. I never ever in my life asked to be hugged, yet I constantly come across people who love this intimacy, touching another’s body, feeling their breasts on their chest (and I’m not only talking about paedophiles and other sick people, here). When my chest is the most abominal thing I can think of right now, when I thought about ending it all just to get rid of this dysphoria and feeling of loathing.
The only good thing that came out of all this physical shit is that I got even more determined to change what I initialy thought I could never change about my body because everyone said it was natural and a part of me and I should embrace that. I want to embrace other parts of me, thanks very much, that aren’t the casue of me wanting to puke whenever I change my clothes or shower or get looked at by yet another (sick) stranger.
I don’t want your hugs or any other body-part-embracing. I want your support, your words of encouragement, your understanding, a smile of recognition and just the knowledge that I can live in this body on my own terms and conditions.
P.S.: not all Neutrois are like that, and I want to add that I am not only Neutrois, I am also many other things. Neutrois isn’t the only thing that defines me. I strongly identify with this term because I have body dysphoria and gender dysphoria and want to change my body so the dysphoria lessens or even goes away. I am antisocial AND Neutrois, and not Neutrois because I’m antisocial. If you understand this difference, then you are smarter than most people 😉