A surprising discovery
Today I had some maintenance done: the Depo injection.
I really did not feel like going to the dr’s today, but felt I had to, and I wouldn’t probably feel any better about later on, so I went.
The minute I saw the head nurse I wished I hadn’t gone; she had those piercing, intrusive sort of eyes that just manage to just look through you and reduce you to a pile of mumbling and fumbling.
I was so nervous, as if I had a job interview or was questioned at court.
I just wanted to get the injection quickly and then get out. I’m desperate for the Depo, because it deletes my period. In fact, I haven’t had one for at least 2 years and I just love the feeling of not having those menstrual feelings.
But then the nurses talked about tests and started to disturb me with their moral feelings. They actually wanted to me to get my body tests (like normal women) and wanted me to see the doctor (which I had never seen before, though I am a patient there). I already thought about just running out of the room, and started to devise a plan to never get asked to surrender my body to medical scrutiny again. After all, it’s not necessary to have one’s genitals poked and prodded if one is convinced one has none.
So we struck a bargain. The nurse asked Sir dr. if I could get the injection (just because) and I had to admit there was soemthing wrong with me and I needed help and a talk with him, who would be able to point me in the right direction. The nurse apparently felt my pain of being transgender, but still thought I needed to transition into one or the other gender. I determined in the waiting room, waiting like a convicted felon on death row, that I would attempt one last rebellion in front of this representative of the medical community: I would deny being ill or wrong in any way, and I would refuse straight out to transition to a gender known to man.
For, how does one transition to a gender that does not even exist? HOw does one transition to not having a gender?
I explained this to him, after a long and embarassing silence. I really did not feel like talking, because I thought it would be the same old Spiel. I had already encountered numerous dr’s before, and they were all of them unwilling to understand or to even hear me out when I talked about MY gender.
But to my surprise, when I said I knew how damned my lot in life was, because I knew of the impossibility of transitioning to neutral, it was him, not me, who protested. He wasn’t my enemy, after all, this little, common-looking man who wore glasses and complained about the renovation that was going on in the building. He looked so stern at first, so uninviting, so plain.
He told me that I might have a chance to keep on transitioning, to not stop here, but follow the process as far as it could possibly go. He even mentioned more surgery, but without hormones (exactly what i had been thinking of). Then he kindly directed me to a clinic that usually dealt with people such as me, perhaps extreme cases of GID or just extreme gender non-conformists. I haven’t heard of anyone actually doing what I plan on doing, though. I haven’t heard of another Neutral person who has transitiones to their preferred gender. Has anyone else?
So, today I called the clinic, and of course, I couldn’t get a hold of the person I had to contact…The revolution got stalled right then and there, and I suspect that there will be a lot more beaurocracy to go through before I can achieve my goals. And a lot more thought, and a lot more courage and confidence.
I never would have thought that, out of the blue, without looking for it, I would have come closer than I ever have before to my goals re: gender transitioning. I only had top surgery two weeks ago and now I am catapulted into the world of psychological specialists, medical professionals, and it’s getting more serious.
I just hope this wasn’t some sort of trick or ruse on his part to get me to communicate and to see someone who could then transform me into something more pleasant, like a man (a man with no human breast, and weird stuff downstairs, perhaps). I hope they don’t try to dope me with hormones and start telling me who I am.
I am not fully convinced yet that I have cracked the jackpot, but my hope for a better future in the world of gender (a better feeling, and less body dysphoria) has risen again. I so hope this isn’t just another fraud!! Wish me luck!