A lazy Saturday post
sex: none (asexual)
gender: none (agender)
gender expression: Neutrois
sexual orientation: none (asexual)
romantic orientation: ‘straight’
If you saw this without the context of it being written on this blog, what kind of individual would you picture? Or would you just think that someone who wrote this was making a stupid joke and wasn’t really real?
Also, can one who has no sex or sexual orientation and no gender (or close to none, considering Neutrois is rather agendered than gendered) be called ‘straight’ when it comes to romantic orientation?
And why is there not more emphasis placed on romantic orientation or at least a distinction made between sexuality and romance, between sexuality and sensuality?
I bet many people will still doubt my existence and the existence of countless others, who cannot or are unwilling to display themselves and open themselves up to others because gender and sexuality labels are not written on all our foreheads; they have to be created, edited, established, and communicated, and that is part of the problem of gender. It is difficult to establish, difficult to interpret, difficult to handle, to place boundaries on it, because it is inherently complex and made up of so many personal feelings and experiences, wishes and hopes, fears and doubts…and general life (without the thinking and theorising) often comes into play as well and destroys or reshapes theory, it can interfere in our perception of ourselves and others and destroy our dreams of perfection and throw our ideals into unreachable realms.
I want people to know who I am, to know that I am real!
My mom is coming to visit today for the first time since I had surgery. Will she see me as real or stick to the old perception of me, because being real as a Neutrois does not satisfy her? Will she place the invisible cloak of gender on me in order to hide the new contours of my chest and my ‘gender worth’? I’m not ‘in’ anymore, I am on the fringe of society. How will she handle my decline into oblivion and did she realise that I was being erased and manipulated ‘when I was a ‘girl”, too? Will the fact that I will change my body and expression of ‘gender’ be used as an excuse to bully me and make it more justifiable to do so? Will the bullying become more open and aggressive now that I am openly Neutrois rather than pretend-feminine?
All these questions are running through my mind, but i don’t have the answers and don’t really want to think about them at present, because I know where I stand and whatever comes my way I will have to deal with it as a Neutrois and as best I can. There will surely be times when I will be immensely frightened and act less radical, more subdued, than I want to. There will be times when I will try to compromise to survive, because I don’t want to lose what I still have…..