Dominic vs. God
by dominicdemeyn
Trigger Warning: Scars
This is to present my chest and what my idea of a Neutrois chest is. It’s also meant to show that when I talk about me being trans, I mean trans*, when I talk about me being queer, I mean genderqueer, when I talk about being neutral, I mean gender-neutral.
The body is a surface on which we project our emotions and ideas. People get tattoos and piercings ( I myself am a fan of tattoos, not so much piercings), and with the addition of clothing, we are able to communicate and protect our bodies from the weather and ‘immodesty’.
Our bodies are honest, in that they portray our phusical structure. Sometimes we can determine through the way the body lools or moves that a person is ill or has an injury. We can determine, through facial queues, if a person is happy or sad.
But we cannot always know what a person is like, inside of this vessel, without getting to know them firts. It takes time and energy to do so, and often we do not have either or have preceonceived ideas about the person which prevent us from going near them in the first place.
I am trying to make my body more honest by changing it to make it represent more fully and inclusively my ideals and how I picture myself. I have used the power of plastic surgery to modify and edit structures on my body that were giving me unease and failed to represent me and my ideals.
This ‘new’ body feels more natural, eventhough I haven’t had it long, it feels safer, eventhough people might look at me in a more negative light because of it. It feels like it belongs to me more now than it ever did.
Some say if the body is a vessel, and the person really shines through through the soul, therefore one does not need to focus so much on it. But my soul cann’t come through in a body I detest. When I had/have dysphoria I get really depressed and have strong anxiety attacks and even think about death and dying. Surgery has made my life better. I’m not saying it’s the only answer to one’s problems, but it’s not morally wrong and shouldn’t be ignored as an option.
This is my personal surgery result. I am curious to know how others would react if they saw my chest like this. I am happy with it, because it feels good and it simplifies my life (eg. not having to wear disgusting female underwear bra stuff, walking around shirtless [at least in my own four walls], and feeling lighter and healthier)….dysphoria of the chest (my previous chest structure) was making me ill, because I felt sick with it, I felt diseased and wrong, as if a foreign and malign object was put there to torment me. My chest felt like ‘a cancerous being’, so I had to remove it (everything).
To me, someone WITH a chest is incomplete….
The following Images: 1. My Lovely Chest TM, 2. Dominic: un point, God, Nature, the-not-me: 0 points, 3. Neutrois kitsch: My Lovely Chest Smiley
*IMAGESIMAGESIMAGESIMAGESIMAGESIMAGESIMAGESIMAGESIMAGESIMAGESIMAGESIMAGESIMAGESIMAGESIMAGESIMAGES*
My Lovely Chest ™
Dominic: un point, God: 0 points
Neutrois kitsch: My Lovely Chest ☺
thanks for the link.
I thought you might be interested in this recent post from Raising My Rainbow, regarding some behind-the-back staff meeting discussion of a coworker who appears to be transgender…
http://raisingmyrainbow.com/2012/07/25/as-if-staff-meetings-werent-awkward-enough/
I was thinking on posting more about the concept of trans (as I see it, how many concepts are there?). It will take some time to research and order my thoughts on this, but I would like to adress transhumanism, which is sort of the direction I seem to be going with my ideas. There’s definitely an element of that in how I think.
I guess one can challenge society in many different ways, this just works for me, if it is indeed challenging. I am not really brave, because I had huge dysphoria and getting the operation was a kind of relief, eventhough it didn’t get rid of all my issues. I cannot detach myself fully from gender, not even from my name, though I deleted it from everywhere, but it still exists in the minds of people, especially family. I still sometimes can’t pluck up the courage to confront my Mum when she says things wrong once again, and I shouldn’t be scared of her.
I’m lucky to be living in a place that is quite accepting of difference and that I have a pretty supportive family (or they just don’t really care what I do…). I think you are brave for what you are doing. It’s great to try and challenge gender roles in many different ways!!
Interesting. I had not considered the symbolism you mention, or the concept of “acceptance of the binary”. This helps me understand your intent a little bit better, although my eyebrows are still raised when you say you wish to remove yourself from the current human form.
I think its brave what you did. There was a time that I wished to do it, but I changed my mind cuz things would get REALLY complicated around here.
Then I thought that I would challenge society with my life style, my character and my own especial philosophy, and would keep my body as it was which was to say: This is my appearance but This cannot define who I am or under what category I would be, “I” DO.
again I appreciate all you are doing to live you life detached from predetermined gender roles and gender rules.
No, leave it. Something to reflect on later. That’s why I like paper journals; I store them and take them out once in a blue moon and see how much I have changed, or how little, wish I could burn them, cheer that I’ve kept them… Anyway, you’re not a NYT journalist, fuck editing. It’s your blog, yeah? Say what you think.
Anyway, your word experiment worked, I think. But to borrow from Lorde, the Master’s tools will never dismantle the Master’s house.
Looking forward to more entries. Peace.
I’m always curious to know how other people think and feel about my altered appearance. I have travelled a bit lately and have noticed some people looking at me strangely, but I cannot be completely sure if it was because I look at bit different (gender-wise) or because of something else (not even relating to me). I am glad you are not against me changing my body.
I don’t think nipples are necessarily gendered (neither are other parts of the body)…but they are symbols and they are sensual parts on often associated with stimulation and sexuality. Also, I really wanted to make sure I had a neutral chest and I just didn’t think that a normal chest would be enough to point out the difference between me (a neutral\neutrois) and a person who accepts the binary. I do like the dramatic effect they can produce. That is not to say that there aren’t Neutrois who do not have ‘normal’ bodies. I just wish I could remove myself completely from sexual (and gendered) organs and the current human form.
Thanks for responding. I sometimes do get overwhelmed by negative emotions. I sometimes like being controversial or even toy with the idea of saying inapropriate things and sometimes I just don’t know how to get my feelings across without being nasty in the way you have pointed out. I guess with the “people without a chest are incomplete” I was also trying to give a different view on the issue of having gendered parts (like a chest). Since men and women have one (usually) I thought I could perhaps highlight the fact that I (who have often felt treated as someone who is incomplete) can turn the table around and treat others the same way. Of course, I don’t want you to feel incomplete or negative about what I have said. It’s a word experiment. I’m glad you pointed out the problems with this. I talk a lot about how important words are, but I myself am often not realising this and making mistakes. Do you reckon I should edit the post?
Living a life that is a lie is the worst hell to ever live. So glad you are making choices for yourself and living life on your own terms. Congratulations on a lesson so often forgotten by so many.
Hi there, I am new around here and your blog according to my search results is more like me, I don’t identify as Neutrois . but I def. dont like labels and stuff, have a lot to talk about in around this subject, wont bore you with now, just came here to say, glad my search result included you, and also in my language ( Farsi / Persian) there is no gender-specific pronouns, we use one word for all of us.
Queer ppl are not likely to choose Iran to live in, but you might be interested due to this language privilege. just kidding, queers wont make a day here, if they are out of closet of course, as long as you shut up and look like others, will be good to go. Although some believe that our culture wasn’t like this in golden ages, the time that our language took shape.
will be glad to have you around my page, Iranian ppl are famous for hospitality.
“disgusting female underwear bra stuff”; Can’t we just say, “disgusting underwear bra stuff”?
Also, “To me, someone WITH a chest is incomplete….” It seems all of the judgment you have experienced by others is now coming back out of you. Be careful. According to this, you count me as incomplete because I haven’t physically changed myself, yet I identify as gender queer. I feel very negatively judged by that.
Everyone has the right to choose to experience gender in the way they see fit, whether that means they modify their physical being or otherwise live in it in a way that makes them most satisfied. As a community, I think it would be wise for us to seek and give empathy and support from/to each other. As such, I support– indeed, feel inspired by– your desire to find the body that most belongs to you.
Normally I wouldn’t have a comment, but you said you were curious about how others would react to the altered appearance of your chest.
My reaction is confusion about the absence of nipples. If I had noticed this at, say a public swimming pool, I would be curious and I might spend some time wondering about it in my own mind. I would not ask.
I understand a choice not to choose a gender, but I don’t know why nipples relate to any gender, because everyone is born with them (as far as I know), so in a sense, they are gender neutral. I fully support everyone’s pursuit of happiness in the area of body image (and in other areas, of course) as long as it is not unhealthy.
I read another entry here, related to job, mentioning orange, red and blue…As far as I’m concerned, you can be any color you want, including a color you make up yourself.
Very brave.