home economics: I am becoming a desperate houseneutrois
I decided it was time, time to walk in there, eventhough I knew I would lose my direction and probably forget what I was going to do there. But I just had to go in and find something, SOMETHING, that would relieve my suffering.
I couldn’t hesitate any longer, so I returned my tray and headed for the entrance to the store.
So many colours, textures, and sparkly things, they all dazzled my mind and lots of artistic things came into my mind. I knew this would happen, I knew I would begin to lose it, but I had to recollect myself.
So I stepped out of my reverie and headed for the specials section of the material I was looking for. I couldn’t choose a material, though, and I couldn’t choose a colour. I just stood there, picturing the outcome of my hard work and endless hours of frustration.
I went back and forth, looking for another item and even had to consult the staff. They were very helpful, but after telling me that a metre cost about 3 Euro, I lost interest and slowly moved away, embarrassed.
So finally I came to the conclusion that I had to do something. I grabbed three types (gren, pink, and metallic blue) and the base material (black) and paid. The cashier put a magazine with store specials into my shopping bag. That was it. I did it. I was done for today.
At home I eagerly unpacked and scrutinised my purchases. The colours matched my idea of how I wanted to present myself: new, vibrant.
(I mostly don’t actually feel like that, but that’s another matter)
I pictured all the clothes I would change, how they would fit me better in future, how the label created an extra layer.
Then I sadly realised: I don’t have the proper instruments to use the woolen strings of cloth. My attempt had failed.
But I will go back to that shop in the main shopping street and get the things I need…and start again. The frustrating work hasn’t even begun yet.
So I only managed to create this little label-sign on my carry-bag. The one I had before disintegrated. This is my resistance.
Signs. Soon they’ll be springing up everywhere I go, because these signs will be attached to me. I will be the sign.
(Let’s hope it’ll be understood)