:Neutrois Niche:

Month: November, 2012


I wish these vids would show everywhere cis people go. While they take a piss in their cis toilets, while they walk from A to B, while they stand at a counter buying their groceries….while they grind their daily routine.


This should be heard throughout the streets and considered by everyone who calls or wants to call themselves an ally.




We deserve to be heard!

I am a winner, because I feel like a writer



I don’t feel like it’s over yet.

Am loving this song…

…songs of love.


Why I keep calling my workmate by his last name

I recently realised that I make the same mistake by using wrong names sometimes, just as people mistakenly use wrong pronouns for me.

I keep, for example, referring to one of my colleagues as ‘last name’ instead of adressing him using his first name. I keep thinking his last name is his first name and suits him much better.

There are several reasons for this, as I have discovered after I thought about it and did some 101 psychology on myself:

One reason is that I have heard his last name more times than his first name and therefore it has become easier to say it and repeat it and not think about what his first name was again.
Another reason is that I think his last name makes for a cool first name and sounds like the name of an adventurer and somehow that idea got stuck in my head.


Another reason I can think of is that on one of the social networking sites I often use there is somone with his last name as first name and I often read what they write, so this last name is again associated with a first name in my head.


I haven’t started misgendering him yet (or perhaps he does not know I am misgendering when I call him a ‘he’, because gender is, in essence, just an illusion), but I can understand how easy it is to use wrong words when referring to a person. Sometimes it’s easier to be wrong because it has been ingrained into our psyche, sometimes it’s more fun to be wrong (it can be really amusing calling someone by a different name so long as it isn’t an insult…but how would you know?).

It’s easy to make mistakes when calling people by complicated names, names that don’t suit them, and it gets more difficult when approaching the topic of pronouns.

The aim is not to get words right 100 per cent, all the time, but to keep trying and make an effort. That is often more comforting to a person than someone who gets it right but cares nothing for their wellbeing.

And to fully accept a name (whether it’s a new one or just one that one does not like or is not used to) one has to accept the idea behind it and what that name means, that it is attached to a person and that that person is worthy of me getting their name right.


All it takes is a little bit of awareness.

Nano update

It’s day 22 and time for a nano update.

Germany seems to be top of the word count score bored list (proof of this can be seen on the nanowrimo statistics page). After having met a couple of agreeable but slightly obsessed writers I can understand why.

This is now the sprint to the finish for me and I have covered much ground along the way. I still look at pages full of words with disbelief and wonder whether I really wrote all that and in what state my mind was in while doing so, because sometimes it all seems like a very long dream.

I am wondering now: will I ever wake up and see the end?

I am looking forward to writing ‘THE END’ at the end of my novel. It’s the final touch required to finalise my creation, a coming of age, a special symbolic gesture to certify that I am really done with this.

But my characters don’t seem to want to leave. They are only just developing and coming out of their shells, enjoying themselves even in this wicked world I have created. But it is really their world and they often walk me through it as if I had no choice in the matter. They seem to know where they are going. But will they be happy with the ending I have foreseen?

There are only around 10,000 more words to write and space is becoming scant. I wonder will I even exceed the word limit and keep procrastinating events so as not to have to say goodbye to my characters and plot? Will I find the right words in the right measure to reach this goal of not extending the life of the novel too much and being overprotective of my creation?

This is the time where I can allow things to happen more quickly and release all the built up tension. I think I’ve done enough introducing and musing and now it’s time for some action.

It’s up to you to decide

…do I have the ‘X-factor’, as in ‘extremely discomforting’ or maybe ‘rather xcellent’, or not?

I will never know how people feel about me and my agender agenda unless I communicate it to them in sometimes more and sometimes not so subtle ways.

I have come up with a few ideas to make people aware of myself:

(1) gender tag: wearing my identity on my sleeve or somewhere else where it is visible to people, stating name, non-gender, and pronoun preference.

(2) going swimming topless. It sounds horrible, but other than scars, people will not be confronted by anything upsetting. Come on, I mean, huge big scars on one’s chest? That’s nothing new… least not to me….

(3) writing an article for a newspaper outlining something or other people should know about me, it’ll probably reach more audiences than swimming around, but will it have the same dramatic effect?

(4) writing a book. Considering I have not done my 1700 word nano toll for my 50,000 word novel today, this seems like an unlikely way to get my points across and people will still have to buy and want to read it.
I like to confront people with reality….my reality.

When I asked the person in charge of the swimming pool whether I could swim there the way I wanted to, he had no precedence case to turn to for help in making that decision and giving me a sure answer. He only said I should try swimming without a top on and observe people’s reaction and told me he would have to take me aside and tell me off for it if he saw that it annoyed fellow simming pool users.

I asked him in case I would do this and appear in front of people as a Neutrois would, with nothing to hide. Perhaps I will get shoved back in my rabbit hole, but perhaps this could be one more win for me…one more way to feel free.

Freedom is such an illusive goal when one is fighting for it on so many fronts and there’s no end in sight. Or perhaps I’m not looking hard enough?

I wish people would stop hijacking my identity

Let’s be clear about this: i identify as Neutrois.

Some people seem to think “Oh, this is a girl who identifies as Neutrois. SHE’s so cute”
or “Oh, wow, another fetish”.

I am a ‘they’ or an ‘it’, not a he/she or a mix of these. I don’t wear boy’s or girl’s clothes but clothes, I don’t gender everything that exists and I don’t think of people in terms of sexuality or gender, but think mainly in other categories: like who is this person really?!

Though Neutrois is a gender of sorts, providing a contrast to other genders, it’s actually a non-gender. It does not include rules such as that I have to wear pink or I need to wear make-up.

Neutrois want to move away from gender.

I wish people would stop calling themselves Neutrois and start educating themselves on what it means: What it means to people like me, and what it means to them. It’s not just a fancy word that sounds slightly french and “Oh, I’ll just use it for now to deine myself, but I don’t really know what it means”.

You can’t really say you are a Neutrois if you sometimes feel male, sometimes female, and sometimes Neutrois, I suggest you say “I sometimes feel Neutrois”, instead of saying you are Neutrois. There’s a difference there. You can’t say “I sometimes feel dysphoria and sometimes I don’t” and therefore I am a Neutrois. I don’t want to pathologise being me, but a Neutrois experiences constant overwhelming dysphoria to a point where it gets very dark and ugly, it’s not just about having a bad day once ina  while. It’s like people saying they have depression when they only feel a bit sad, usually for good reason. How does this minimise another person’s acute and bearable sickening depresion that is able to completely ruin his life if this person does not fight against it constantly, every single day?

Surgery to me is life-affirming, it’s a major part of the Neutrois identity. A Neutrois who does not want surgery and eventually wants to have kids and actually realy likes who they are without surgery, to me, is like a penguin who actually lives in the desert and does not like swimming and does not look anything like a penguin….

I hope you get my point.

A Neutrois who is pansexual…..I don’t get that. If you tell me you are Neutrois and thereby have major body dysphoria, especially about ‘sexual’ parts, then how do you experience attraction and how could you ever act on it even if your body was attracted to someone? And why call that sexual attraction? I think a Neutrois can experience romantic attraction, but when it comes to sexuality there is a natural repulsion due to them not liking their body parts and not even wanting to touch these themselves let alone anyone else going anywhere near them.

A Neutrois, basically someone who wants to remove all their sexual and gender aspects, including social stigma AND body parts who is a sexual? A eunuch who is a sexual? These identities do not match and would create great conflict in myself were I to identify like that. It’s like by having one of these identities you are at the same time denying another.

A Neutrois is, yes, it has finally been revealed, a non-sexual, a sex-less being. Compare it to an android or a disembodied spirit if it makes it easier for you to understand.

A Neutrois is more or less dissociated from the physical and prefers mental things to physical things. A Neutrois is not a fan of biology, not in its current state, anyway.

That’s why recently I have come to identify more and more as not trasgender, though I fit the category, but as transhuman. Transgender implies moving from one gender to another form of gender. But this is inaccurate for me. I want to be clear to people how I identify and I want my identity to match the definition that is out there, so I will in future reference trasnhuman instead of transgender. I want to reach a new paradigm in terms of humanity and body modification, in terms of language use and behaviour. It permeates every single aspect of my life and will affect me until I am dead and cease to exist.


Being Neutrois is a lonely, scary, uncomfortable, and even dangerous place to be. It is soul-destroying beacuse one receives nearly no affirmation of one’s identity and struggles to get a voice even amongst all these different queer peers. Even they mostly do not understand the concept behind this identity. And yes, it’s not that I woke up one day and knew that I was a Neutrois, I had to think about becoming a Neutrois. I had to decide to be a Neutrois, as rarely a Neutrois is born this way.

Neutrois is as much about ‘what do I want from my life and how do I get it’ and ‘who do I want to be’ as ‘I just feel shit in my body and wish I could change it and just know that something is not right’. But it’s definitely not ‘I am male or female or sometimes this and sometimes that’.

Be clear about what it means to live your life like a Neutrois. It has implications, you know. I challenge you to live like a true Neutrois!

I just finished another 1700 words for the day. 1700 is my target, and I often look at the word count a lot in the beginning stages of the day’s writing, as I always have a slow start. When there are a thousand words left I usually start to panic and then I open up twitter or read a blog or an e-mail or whatever is available and that is often enough to calm me down and start up my brain cells again.

It is the best feeling to then be writing and not checking the word count once because the writing flows so easily onto the digital page. It’s always amazing to me to relive the transition between utter boredom, desolation, and frustration to a blissful feeling of motivation, relief, and achievement.



Gender: the new religion

I am beginning to think that gender is the biggest lie that humanity has ever created. I don’t think any aspect of gender is biological, in fact, I believe it is 100 per cent social construct.

Gender is like religion, it is there because we humans love to believe in something and set rules for ourselves because we cannot live with the uncertainty and possibilities that are provided to us when we are able to say that we are in full control of our lives and we are the ones responsible for ourselves and we only have this life so we need to make the most of it. It’s scary to have so many options and noone to guide us. So we turn to God, because he knows better and if there is a problem we can blame him or the devil, or we turn to gender and blame each other.

The problem is not necessarily that religion, for example, or gender, is inherently evil, but it inevitably creates a ‘them’ and an ‘us’ and different warring groups that all want to impose their ideas on other individuals. Such is the nature of religion, and such is the nature of gender. It interferes with our lives to the point of us losing the security it was meant to provide us with.

casual conversation about where to shop and another comment about short hair

Yesterday I had late shift and I am always a bit strange when I work late. Strange in a good way that is, as I become more tired as the evening progresses, I become less reserved and even silly at times, as if I was in a drunk state. (Funnily enough when I drink alcohol I get propelled into a reverse mood and get very pissed off and hermit-like).

Luckily it was a quiet working day and I had time to chat to customers. One woman from the United States (she told me she was from there) asked about good places to go shopping. She could not have known that I was not the right person to ask such a question, but it turned out that she was looking for exactly what I was thinking of: cheap and easy places to shop for clothes, such as the Walmart that they had in the U.S. . Of course I could refer her to several of these.

She was glad to receive so much information, and then she commented on my hair, said how cute this short hair was and that we were almost like sisters (because she had short hair, too). There were other customers in the store and and this woman explained to them how she had asked ‘her’ (meaning me) about places that were good for shopping, and they were eager to help her and provided her with information, too, just as I had done. It almost felt like we were all familiar to each other and having a normal conversation, just a couple of women gossiping, talking about shopping, never mind that none of us knew eachother and that I was still at work, working.

I was happy to hear that the woman approved of my hair(style), for I always enjoy hearing positive comments. The fact that she mentioned we were like sisters was kind of neat, too, because I had never had a sister and didn’t know what it would be like to  have a sister, and it kinda meant that she approved of me, for otherwise she would clearly not have said such a thing. So I concluded that her intentions were good.

However, I would have liked it if she had not so easily dropped me into a gendered category and said ‘she’ and ‘sister’ without thinking about these words. I know it’s not clear to people that I am a neutral, that I indeed see myself as genderless, but still I find gendered words so misleading and so obsolete in conversation. They tend to remove me emotionally from the one who adresses me as a ‘she’ that I cannot claim to be able to fully relate to them anymore, and eventhough they are not unfriendly to me, in my eyes the time I spend with them loses value, all the fun I could have had talking to them has suddenly been dampened by a bitter taste.

I was not going to correct her there and then, time was too short and I was still working, and not there to educate people. I wonder when my patience will run out and I will blurt my thoughts out to complete strangers who just want to buy a book or a CD and get on with their lives.

It has not happenend yet, and perhaps the tiredness that puts me in a slow and uncantankerous mood has helped avoid such a situation. For now, I am just happy that people even talk to me and say things like “I like your hair”. I don’t expect much insight into gender from them, and not a lot of intelligent comment 🙂