several months after surgery and feeling much better.
I am so grateful that I have had surgery. I thank ‘God’ almost everyday for this beautiful new body. Instead of dysphoria, I now feel, months after surgery, a sense of honest euphoria.
Dysphoria had weighed me down so much that I started hating my body and just wanted it to disappear. Instead of just hating seperate body parts, though, the hatred spread and I ended up hating my entire self for having such a body and I loathed myself for even existing.
But now I have been given this chance of reconciling with myself and I am eager to start a soul cleansing process.
I don’t think I am just the body. I am also a soul inhabiting a body. If something I don’t want is done to my body, my soul hurts as well, and, on the other hand, if I remove what annoys me about my body, my soul feels lighter, there is much more headspace and breathing space.
Dysphoria literally tightens your chest so that you have trouble breathing, and it can make you feel physically sick.
Unfortunately I can’t really operate on my soul or take a high powered water gun to rinse all the ingested hatred off. I don’t actually even know where to start to live a spiritually healthier life, but I know that the physical operation on my chest has helped me even contemplate the idea of mending.
I still often wonder whether dysphoria can be completely overcome and thrown in a proverbial bin.
I am not sure it’s possible, but it can be kept in check and made less vulgar and less of an obstacle.
Can I finally love myself? Is this even a remote possibility?
I don’t know. But I’ll try.