A couple of days ago my mother came to me with a bunch of papers and said she found something I could be interested in. I was caught off guard when she then showed me pictures I had drawn and letters I had composed as a child. I could barely write anything when I was small and it took some time to decipher what I meant by stringing the letters together. The words sounded like what they were meant to describe, but looked nothing like it.
It was quite funny. Then came a passage in one of the letters adressed to my grandfather. I used to write to my grandparents very often, it seemed like every week at least. It was a bit like messaging only by sending handwritten letters.
I talked about what I did at school or what trips we made as a family and what I had seen. And one time I seemed to feel the need to just casually tell my grandpa that “by the way, I am not called (female name) and I am in fact a boy like my brother”. It sounded so sure and confident and proud and there-won’t-be-any-discussion-about-this and I-don’t-care-if-you approve-or-not. It made me smile.
I was so happy I started thinking this would get me validity in the trans arena….I was like that as a child and here was written proof! The door for my surgeries and anything else I wanted would surely (have to) open now, for was this not the magical key to approval?
And then I sobered up again and remembered that I am not really trans IN THAT WAY, and that the letter would be good for transitioning from female to male (at best), but I could probably do that anyway if I wanted to, since people already are inclined to validate that way of thinking.
But I don’t think that letter is spporting a Neutrois identity, unless one kind of wonders how a little child who has never been exposed to anything beyond the gender binary can come up with a term that has (a) not yet been invented and (b) is not really something a child of that age can really read of spell or understand and therefore has to go with what it does see and recognise, namely, “I am not female, therefore I have to be male…..I guess?…”.
Gender has always frustrated me.
I haven’t got proof that I am Neutrois and thus should get surgeries thrown after me and gain people’s affection and compassion, but I have proof that at a very young age I responded negatively to being a girl and I already identified with not being one.
But I don’t really need proof anyway, not for myself…………………………………………………………………..