dominicdemeyn

:Neutrois Niche:

Month: November, 2013

artwork from childhood

It is always exciting to post something, even more so when it’s something personal. And especially when it’s drawings from childhood. Are you ready for this? Here is a rare glimpse into my child brain:

Nr. 1: “Ich mag das Schulkleid nicht…” (I don’t like the school dress)

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Nr.2: me as a neutrois?                                                                                                

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a Neutrois today:

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Nr.3: a goat for grandpa

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a real goat

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Nr.4 my dream home

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that’s more like it nowadays

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proof of early stage of identity issue

A couple of days ago my mother came to me with a bunch of papers and said she found something I could be interested in. I was caught off guard when she then showed me pictures I had drawn and letters I had composed as a child. I could barely write anything when I was small and it took some time to decipher what I meant by stringing the letters together. The words sounded like what they were meant to describe, but looked nothing like it. 

It was quite funny. Then came a passage in one of the letters adressed to my grandfather. I used to write to my grandparents very often, it seemed like every week at least. It was a bit like messaging only by sending handwritten letters. 

I talked about what I did at school or what trips we made as a family and what I had seen. And one time I seemed to feel the need to just casually tell my grandpa that “by the way, I am not called (female name) and I am in fact a boy like my brother”. It sounded so sure and confident and proud and there-won’t-be-any-discussion-about-this and I-don’t-care-if-you approve-or-not. It made me smile.

I was so happy I started thinking this would get me validity in the trans arena….I was like that as a child and here was written proof! The door for my surgeries and anything else I wanted would surely (have to) open now, for was this not the magical key to approval? 

And then I sobered up again and remembered that I am not really trans IN THAT WAY, and that the letter would be good for transitioning from female to male (at best), but I could probably do that anyway if I wanted to, since people already are inclined to validate that way of thinking. 

But I don’t think that letter is spporting a Neutrois identity, unless one kind of wonders how a little child who has never been exposed to anything beyond the gender binary can come up with a term that has (a) not yet been invented and (b) is not really something a child of that age can really read of spell or understand and therefore has to go with what it does see and recognise, namely, “I am not female, therefore I have to be male…..I guess?…”. 

Gender has always frustrated me. 

I haven’t got proof that I am Neutrois and thus should get surgeries thrown after me and gain people’s affection and compassion, but I have proof that at a very young age I responded negatively to being a girl and I already identified with not being one. 

 

 

But I don’t really need proof anyway, not for myself…………………………………………………………………..

I changed my name and I am tring to find ways of changing my gender status…

…but I still feel I cannot speak out freely, because I am held back by a fear of judgement and some form of suppression. I always have a strange feeling when I log onto WordPress. It’s almost like dysphoria of writing that I experience, which sounds more romantic than it actually feels. I tend to see the computer screen as a potential enemy that listens to every word I say only to cancel it out with other words, words more beautiful, more relevant. 

I tend to write more freely and honestly on facebook.

 

I don’t even write that much on paper, like in a little cute-looking journal, though I have bought at least a dozen over these last few months. That’s partly because I like typing on the computer. Am still looking for that perfect middle ground, a secret diary on the computer screen that I can actually trust.

But then…would I trust my own thoughts? Would you?

some thought about testing for transgender elements in biology

These are my own thoughts as far as I am even capable of having own thoughts:

I’m totally failing at this whole transgender thing…transsexual thing?. Apparently my hormones are normal, and I failed to take the transgender male to female test because I couldn’t answer their questions (cause obviously they didn’t apply to my situation)….Now I’m so excited to see about the DNA testing….what will it tell me, will my DNA turn against me too?

…most of this is a philosophical debate, and not really related to biology at all, except the horrible feelings of body dysphoria and being unable to relate to your physical appearance. . . the question I always wonder about is how can you be transgender (from one to the other) when you have no gender to start with? transgender is seen as movig from 1 to another (say from number 1 to number 2…without implying a hierarchy here, or maybe just a little)….Can you move from 0 to 0? Be an agender transgender? My mind is already Neutrois (agender, closer to Android or other forms of relevant nonexistence), I just want my body to match what’s already in my mind and my soul….Does that count as transgender? If it does, then I am, if it does not, then I am not transgender, but I am still going to me Neutrois…..what a dilemma…….Just as soon as we have the right words for everything, maybe we can move on to surgery…

 

(I wonder if next time I would get more accurate info by consulting the Tarot cards instead biology, at least they are honest…)