:Neutrois Niche:

I changed my name and I am tring to find ways of changing my gender status…

…but I still feel I cannot speak out freely, because I am held back by a fear of judgement and some form of suppression. I always have a strange feeling when I log onto WordPress. It’s almost like dysphoria of writing that I experience, which sounds more romantic than it actually feels. I tend to see the computer screen as a potential enemy that listens to every word I say only to cancel it out with other words, words more beautiful, more relevant. 

I tend to write more freely and honestly on facebook.


I don’t even write that much on paper, like in a little cute-looking journal, though I have bought at least a dozen over these last few months. That’s partly because I like typing on the computer. Am still looking for that perfect middle ground, a secret diary on the computer screen that I can actually trust.

But then…would I trust my own thoughts? Would you?

some thought about testing for transgender elements in biology

These are my own thoughts as far as I am even capable of having own thoughts:

I’m totally failing at this whole transgender thing…transsexual thing?. Apparently my hormones are normal, and I failed to take the transgender male to female test because I couldn’t answer their questions (cause obviously they didn’t apply to my situation)….Now I’m so excited to see about the DNA testing….what will it tell me, will my DNA turn against me too?

…most of this is a philosophical debate, and not really related to biology at all, except the horrible feelings of body dysphoria and being unable to relate to your physical appearance. . . the question I always wonder about is how can you be transgender (from one to the other) when you have no gender to start with? transgender is seen as movig from 1 to another (say from number 1 to number 2…without implying a hierarchy here, or maybe just a little)….Can you move from 0 to 0? Be an agender transgender? My mind is already Neutrois (agender, closer to Android or other forms of relevant nonexistence), I just want my body to match what’s already in my mind and my soul….Does that count as transgender? If it does, then I am, if it does not, then I am not transgender, but I am still going to me Neutrois…..what a dilemma…….Just as soon as we have the right words for everything, maybe we can move on to surgery…


(I wonder if next time I would get more accurate info by consulting the Tarot cards instead biology, at least they are honest…)