:Neutrois Niche:

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go f…. yourself, sexuals (politically not correct, but honest)

I just blocked a person/site/group of people from my twitter account.


I don’t remember the name, something like sexual health and somethig with fantasy   (= {in other words}, SHIT [for me]).


Why would a sexual site like this follow me on twitter? Was it just a random follow, or did someone actually sit there and wonder whether to follow my twitter account and then decide it was a good idea?

It was probably some random commercial act, like people shuffling through the phone book to make calls to unsuspecting people to try and sell whatever it is they have or work for whomever they are working for.

I’ve always wondered how sexual people could take any interest in someone who is asexual, antisexual, celibate. Perhaps it’s rather a case of them wanting us to be interested in them, ’cause in the end, everyone is always interested in them and it cannot be otherwise. If it is, then they’ll make sure it isn’t.


What sexuals should really do is go f… sex.


I am a winner, because I feel like a writer



I don’t feel like it’s over yet.

Am loving this song…

…songs of love.


Nano update

It’s day 22 and time for a nano update.

Germany seems to be top of the word count score bored list (proof of this can be seen on the nanowrimo statistics page). After having met a couple of agreeable but slightly obsessed writers I can understand why.

This is now the sprint to the finish for me and I have covered much ground along the way. I still look at pages full of words with disbelief and wonder whether I really wrote all that and in what state my mind was in while doing so, because sometimes it all seems like a very long dream.

I am wondering now: will I ever wake up and see the end?

I am looking forward to writing ‘THE END’ at the end of my novel. It’s the final touch required to finalise my creation, a coming of age, a special symbolic gesture to certify that I am really done with this.

But my characters don’t seem to want to leave. They are only just developing and coming out of their shells, enjoying themselves even in this wicked world I have created. But it is really their world and they often walk me through it as if I had no choice in the matter. They seem to know where they are going. But will they be happy with the ending I have foreseen?

There are only around 10,000 more words to write and space is becoming scant. I wonder will I even exceed the word limit and keep procrastinating events so as not to have to say goodbye to my characters and plot? Will I find the right words in the right measure to reach this goal of not extending the life of the novel too much and being overprotective of my creation?

This is the time where I can allow things to happen more quickly and release all the built up tension. I think I’ve done enough introducing and musing and now it’s time for some action.

It’s up to you to decide

…do I have the ‘X-factor’, as in ‘extremely discomforting’ or maybe ‘rather xcellent’, or not?

I will never know how people feel about me and my agender agenda unless I communicate it to them in sometimes more and sometimes not so subtle ways.

I have come up with a few ideas to make people aware of myself:

(1) gender tag: wearing my identity on my sleeve or somewhere else where it is visible to people, stating name, non-gender, and pronoun preference.

(2) going swimming topless. It sounds horrible, but other than scars, people will not be confronted by anything upsetting. Come on, I mean, huge big scars on one’s chest? That’s nothing new… least not to me….

(3) writing an article for a newspaper outlining something or other people should know about me, it’ll probably reach more audiences than swimming around, but will it have the same dramatic effect?

(4) writing a book. Considering I have not done my 1700 word nano toll for my 50,000 word novel today, this seems like an unlikely way to get my points across and people will still have to buy and want to read it.
I like to confront people with reality….my reality.

When I asked the person in charge of the swimming pool whether I could swim there the way I wanted to, he had no precedence case to turn to for help in making that decision and giving me a sure answer. He only said I should try swimming without a top on and observe people’s reaction and told me he would have to take me aside and tell me off for it if he saw that it annoyed fellow simming pool users.

I asked him in case I would do this and appear in front of people as a Neutrois would, with nothing to hide. Perhaps I will get shoved back in my rabbit hole, but perhaps this could be one more win for me…one more way to feel free.

Freedom is such an illusive goal when one is fighting for it on so many fronts and there’s no end in sight. Or perhaps I’m not looking hard enough?

I just finished another 1700 words for the day. 1700 is my target, and I often look at the word count a lot in the beginning stages of the day’s writing, as I always have a slow start. When there are a thousand words left I usually start to panic and then I open up twitter or read a blog or an e-mail or whatever is available and that is often enough to calm me down and start up my brain cells again.

It is the best feeling to then be writing and not checking the word count once because the writing flows so easily onto the digital page. It’s always amazing to me to relive the transition between utter boredom, desolation, and frustration to a blissful feeling of motivation, relief, and achievement.



Repeat after me:


A milestone: 10545 words


I never thought I could write so many words in such a short time. It really helps to read the pep talks from the NanoWriMo writers and know that there are many others struggling with the amount of writing that’s to be done.

So the novel-for that’s what this is supposed to be-is slowly unfolding itself and I am holding the reigns loose so I can be more creative in the wriritng process.

I wonder what it all means in the end and would love to have someone analyse it from a different perspective, perhaps gain some insight into my mind.

If the novel is crap, in the end, or the characters are all unlikeable and the plot makes no sense at all, at least one can get a glimpse of the internal workings of one’s own mind. It’s also a great exercise to declutter one’s head of straying thoughts.

Reaching this milestone in my <life> has required more sugar than I usually eat, so I will not reward myself with a sugary treat.But  I can think of one sure way to receive a well-deserved reward: sleep.

Hopefully tomorrow I’ll have more words up my sleeve.

Most useful tool during NaNoWriMo: a calculator


My progress so far: 3758 words

The first thing I did for NaNoWriMo was buy a small writing desk from a IKEA and a chair I could comfortably sit on. Then I bought some chocolate (Amicis-even the name suggest that they would be my friends throughout the writing month) and then I lay a couple of empty notebooks on the table to make myself look more studious and in order to be able to tap into the symbolic energy they posess when I felt my motivation and creativity lapsing. Just looking at notebooks makes me want to write something, they are to me what a Bible might be to a priesterly person.

I started writing, I just started, without concept or story-line. I had a story a long time ago, but dismissed it when the characters in it got too creepy and started developing their own personalities, or so I thought.

They weren’t ready yet to come out and be written, there were too many conflicting emotions in regards to them, so maybe these ones are a slight modification.

They are, of course, allowed to develop, but with a bit more restraint and purpose: the story should also have impoartance, not only the characters.

I don’t know how I will continue to write and not loose the overview of the novel. I have no notes to guide me, just obsessive thoughts about how to proceed. A lot of the time, and this is just the beginning, I don’t feel like sitting down and writing, but once I start I keep thinking about it, so, in order to get some peace, I have to eventually write my thoughts down.

That is my ‘plan’ for the next month: basically not having my head explode due to fustration and an over-active mind.

I’m still hoping the story will write itself or everything will come to me in a dream and then I’ll just have to relate what I dreamt about, which shouldn’t be too much work.

It’s awkward to write and spend so much time with characters, even if they are one’s own production. When writing, especially without much concept, you allow your unconscious more free reign and it’s always a bit scary: What will come out of my pen/keyboard? Are these really my thoughts? Where did these ideas come from? Who am I to write something and give life to these characters, when I don’t even have a stable identity myself?

The main thing is not to get too upset or critical with myself or the characters I create: they are allowed to be there and I am allowed to write. I don’t have to write about an important message or have a perfect story and it doesn’t always have to make sense.

Isn’t that what being creative is about?


NaNoWriMo: National Novel Writing Month


Has anyone done this before? Only yesterday I told my Dad that I wanted to write, but didn’t know how to start and felt deprived of motivation and encouragement. So, without further talking about wanting to write, I will post this and see where I end up from there: