dominicdemeyn

:Neutrois Niche:

male is the new Neutrois

A lot of things have bothered me lately: the fact that my car is not insured and I cannot reach the person who is supposed to help me draw up a new insurance contract, the fact that at work I recently stayed five hours longer to complete a project which it wasn’t necessarily my job to do, and the fact that recently I have been reading a lot about individuals who take Testosterone and want to become male.

Also, I am seeing a specialist on trans issues, who is digging into my psyche and I am struggling with the emotions that go with that. I don’t want to do intense psychological work, as I’ve done this before and I hate being in that emotional place.

What freaks me out a lot lately is that this specialist is watching me and doing tests on me (only verbal tests, thank God), and has already diagnosed me with Borderline (yeah, yeah, I have known that for years) and mild autism (I got some autistic traits that counteract the Borderline traits and vice versa, which I find very refreshing). We’ve established that I am a complex person and not definitely this or definitely that and I am glad the one in charge of my name change realizes that. That’s a good start.

 

I just wonder why there are so many tests and I can’t just say I want to do this because every fibre in my body screams for it and it feels right and that is not really considered valid. Why would anyone in their right mind not accept that there is no gender? Why would anyone want me to be male or female. What’s it to them?

If you live mainly in your head and you have long stopped even feeling parts of your body and consider the body to be secondary to the mind, then I think it’s quite valid to be outisde of gender. To add to this, you do not abide by gender rules, and have nearly absolutely nothing to do with your peers (men and women, who identify themselves so). Why do people still try to make me have a gender, as if it was imperative to my existence? I can exist without one.

 

I also wonder why many who have initially said they are Neutrois or another type of agender or genderqueer or another type of label suddenly now take Testosterone and say they are a guy and even aspire to live as male. Where does this shift from genderless to male come from? Is it easier for them to do so? Has society made them do it, because of their constant stigma and forms of victimisation? Have they lost their ability to see past gender and thought in their little heads they have to settle for one, discarding their formerly so proud assertion that they are genderless?

All these defectors aren’t really helping the cause, the cause for a genderless way of life, the struggle to highlight gender politics’ bigotry and enslavement of the human spirit. Binary thinking.

For God’s sake, stop following the binary. Even if you are, in your heart and soul, a person who recognises and appreciates gender diversity and who does not necessarily feel so utterly male or female that you need to make other people’s lives hell, why don’t you show it proudly and unabashedly? Show the world that you are not part of the binary. I have three brothers, I know a lot about male priviledge and that you are able to get more out of being or presenting male and may even get to fool the medical establishment in order to get the surgery you want. But that, to me, is not a true victory. While you think you are fooling others or even being authentic, you are only playing their game and using the established gender concepts and pandering to their ideals, using their language.

I find that the struggle to be outside gender norms is akin to the struggle of women’s liberation. This is Neutrois liberation. It does not mean that this cause is more important than other causes, but it’s a highly political one and one to be taken seriously.

Please stop shaping your body accordsing to what’s practical or more suitable to society or even prettier. Unless you are truly male (and I don’t doubt that many people who take T are, or else they wouldn’t put their bodies under so much stress and make irreversible changes to their bodies), why don’t you live as neutral or at least be proud enough of it that you resist the temptation to be mainstream? Male is not the default gender for genderqueer people and certainly not for Neutrois. Neutrois exist alongside male and female and should not be amalgamated into the binary. I think it’s sad that many people default to male. It only goes to show how much priviledge is in the male gender, and how easy it is to become male (legally).

 

I sometimes seriously feel like apologising to people for being so difficult, and I don’t mean because of an inherent personality disorder or two or however many they are (I’ve not gone through all the tests that exist out there, yet). I’m talking about my gender problem. I want to apologise to the therapist (the one who determines whether I’m real), because I am so complicated and don’t ever shut up about gender equality and my desire to be outside of the binary and still have the same human rights as the default males. I want to apologise to her for taking up so much of her time, and for her having to try and understand me eventhough she knows already that I am either male or female or both. “She knows”, but yet she listens to me and my incoherent ramblings about gender neutrality. She must indeed think I am very sick and very deluded.

She is probably just waiting until I scream out for my first T shot and until I find enough masculine force in me to warrant becoming male. Or she thinks perhaps a small hormone imbalance and a bit of oestrogen would change the whole situation, and I would suddenly find myself in the kitchen preparing dinner for my husband, wearing only skimpy clothes to appeal to him, because that will be my only mission in life.

People apparently think I can be male one day and female the next. Isn’t that rather proof that these categories are arbitrary and don’t have a solid foundation?

 

Male or female energy: energy. Energy: neutral. Male or female: Neutral.

If anything, the default category should be neutral.

 

And the ennemies of gender liberation forget that there are more parts to a human than just the body, or just energy. There’s also thought and desire, motivation. There’s philosophy, morals, psychology, worldview, instinct, and all sorts of factors that decide whether one is male or female.

At least for those people who have these.

go f…. yourself, sexuals (politically not correct, but honest)

I just blocked a person/site/group of people from my twitter account.

 

I don’t remember the name, something like sexual health and somethig with fantasy   (= {in other words}, SHIT [for me]).

 

Why would a sexual site like this follow me on twitter? Was it just a random follow, or did someone actually sit there and wonder whether to follow my twitter account and then decide it was a good idea?

It was probably some random commercial act, like people shuffling through the phone book to make calls to unsuspecting people to try and sell whatever it is they have or work for whomever they are working for.

I’ve always wondered how sexual people could take any interest in someone who is asexual, antisexual, celibate. Perhaps it’s rather a case of them wanting us to be interested in them, ’cause in the end, everyone is always interested in them and it cannot be otherwise. If it is, then they’ll make sure it isn’t.

 

What sexuals should really do is go f… sex.

 

The art of negotiating

It seems to me that every trans person needs some skills in negotiating. The terms of our existence are far from fixed, but ocassionally shift, sometimes in our favour, and sometimes in another direction.

A trans person is also lucky if they know some trans law and a way to communicate to people in positions of power. A trans person is like a fish swimming in an endless sea, trying to get back to where they live, a safe space that they call home, whilst trying to avoid all the nets and other traps set in place to capture and dissect them or even tear them apart.

How to negotiate an identity: First, get someone else, who does not know you and has never been an important part in your life but is considered a specialist to judge you and hope they judge in your favour.

Second, make sure you have enough money to pay to people who will then go on and tell you who you are or who you are supposed to be. If surgery is required, make sure the funds extend to that point where your body is cut open and revealed to complete strangers who then reshape it according to the terms that have been set.

Make sure you have time to run around here and there and confront people all the time on your identity, who cannot believe it is really so and would like to steer you in a certain direction or at least understand you. Be aware that what they call understanding might not be what you might call understanding, and their way of empathising with you might differ from what you would expect. Be aware that if they cannot believe in your type, they cannot understand.

Be prepared to get what you are given, to take what you can. Name change, fine. Under what conditions…you decide on which name? A neutral one, they say, but neutral does not exist. A name such as Alex or something like that. To me, that’s not a neutral name. In a gender-obsessed culture there is no neutral. This does not mean that I am less of a neutral. Just because nobody sees me does not mean I don’t exist. Just because nobody understands my language does not mean that I am not communicating. People just have not come to terms with me yet.

Negotiating is frustrating, when you have no tools at your disposal to help you out, to give you authority or to justify yourself. There is not much evidence I can use to justify my claims of being trans.

I believe I am transsexual. Just not the traditional type that wants to swap one gender role for another. My gender role does apparently not exist yet, eventhough I as a person exist alongside my gender.

Apparently my best option is to lie and cheat my way to some form of resolution that would benefit all parties involved, except mine. Oh, I forgot, I’m not even a minority enough to get credit for being marginalised, because I do not succesfully represent a group and can’t shout as loud as others. I am not represented in the media, my identity scares people more than aids or cancer. But I represent myself. I guess that’s not quite enough.

People make so many assumptions and mistakes and I am to reinforce them by playing along. How do you think that makes me feel? I feel like a criminal trying to escape conviction only to then be free and then serve the sentence of having to perpetually lie to myself and others. I don’t think I am a good liar, even with hours and hours of enforced training and accomplished survival tactics. I am sick of lying and having to defend myself and my core principles when there is really nothing to defend. There is absolutely no logical reason to attack my ideas and beliefs and the way I see myself. Me being Neutrois will not destroy the universe, so why try and keep me in line, in check? I am a good enough little citizen even without your intervention.

What do I need to give and what do I get out of it is the question? I want my freedom to express myself, I want to not get bullied into submission by complete strangers who don’t like me, I want to be left alone to make decisions about myself. But it seems I am not able to, because I will always need a specialist to hold my hand and some authority to approve of me.

I really wonder if this is really what true negotiating is about, what diplomacy is, or if this is just another form of majority rule, where I benefit less from the ruling than my majority counterpart human life forms.

I know what I want. That is also not good enough. I need to know what others want and need first and then fit my desires around their needs. I need to get back into the fold of a crazed social construct and function normally. Apparently my abstinence is an issue. It makes me happier and makes me much healthier (both mentally and physically), yet it must be a problem because others cannot fathom it. I think it wouldn’t be a problem if I had promiscuous unprotected sex, because that at least would better fit the description of trans, or even of a Borderline person who is also trans. But being happy with who I am at this moment, that’s called being diseased.

I am not saying I don’t have many issues, but that does not make it right for people to claim to know my identity and what is good for me and write the rules that govern my life.

I apreciate the help I am getting, but am far from feeling that I have found an advocate for my rights. I have found a person who does not beat me for being who I am, nor send me away, but listens to what I have to say. That is indeed something.

But what usually happens after the short phase of being delighted at having found someone who is versed in trans issues is a bit disappointing. Far from trying to beat the system, they reveal that they are, in fact, a part of it. They like stereotypes and ideals that everyone in the system appreciates and want to uphold. They enjoy priviledge, as anyone would. And they decide how to work with the system to further my rights.

like fifty shades of grey

Is negotiating really about me or is it more about how to become closer to the cis gender? I don’t believe negotiation is a win-win situation, and  it seems to me to come closer to conforming to established rules.

Authorities may be satisfied with the results, but I am still left to negotiate my life. I will still struggle to be seen, and the torment will go on…

several months after surgery and feeling much better.

I am so grateful that I have had surgery. I thank ‘God’ almost everyday for this beautiful new body. Instead of dysphoria, I now feel, months after surgery, a sense of honest euphoria.

Dysphoria had weighed me down so much that I started hating my body and just wanted it to disappear. Instead of just hating seperate body parts, though, the hatred spread and I ended up hating my entire self for having such a body and I loathed myself for even existing.

But now I have been given this chance of reconciling with myself and I am eager to start a soul cleansing process.

I don’t think I am just the body. I am also a soul inhabiting a body. If something I don’t want is done to my body, my soul hurts as well, and, on the other hand, if I remove what annoys me about my body, my soul feels lighter, there is much more headspace and breathing space.

Dysphoria literally tightens your chest so that you have trouble breathing, and it can make you feel physically sick.

Unfortunately I can’t really operate on my soul or take a high powered water gun to rinse all the ingested hatred off. I don’t actually even know where to start to live a spiritually healthier life, but I know that the physical operation on my chest has helped me even contemplate the idea of mending.

I still often wonder whether dysphoria can be completely overcome and thrown in  a proverbial bin.

I am not sure it’s possible, but it can be kept in check and made less vulgar and less of an obstacle.

 

Can I finally love myself? Is this even a remote possibility?

 

I don’t know. But I’ll try.

 

WATCH THIS, PLEASE, AND SHARE.

I wish these vids would show everywhere cis people go. While they take a piss in their cis toilets, while they walk from A to B, while they stand at a counter buying their groceries….while they grind their daily routine.

 

This should be heard throughout the streets and considered by everyone who calls or wants to call themselves an ally.

 

 

 

We deserve to be heard!

I am a winner, because I feel like a writer

 

 

I don’t feel like it’s over yet.

Am loving this song…

…songs of love.

 

Why I keep calling my workmate by his last name

I recently realised that I make the same mistake by using wrong names sometimes, just as people mistakenly use wrong pronouns for me.

I keep, for example, referring to one of my colleagues as ‘last name’ instead of adressing him using his first name. I keep thinking his last name is his first name and suits him much better.

There are several reasons for this, as I have discovered after I thought about it and did some 101 psychology on myself:

One reason is that I have heard his last name more times than his first name and therefore it has become easier to say it and repeat it and not think about what his first name was again.
Another reason is that I think his last name makes for a cool first name and sounds like the name of an adventurer and somehow that idea got stuck in my head.

 

Another reason I can think of is that on one of the social networking sites I often use there is somone with his last name as first name and I often read what they write, so this last name is again associated with a first name in my head.

 

I haven’t started misgendering him yet (or perhaps he does not know I am misgendering when I call him a ‘he’, because gender is, in essence, just an illusion), but I can understand how easy it is to use wrong words when referring to a person. Sometimes it’s easier to be wrong because it has been ingrained into our psyche, sometimes it’s more fun to be wrong (it can be really amusing calling someone by a different name so long as it isn’t an insult…but how would you know?).

It’s easy to make mistakes when calling people by complicated names, names that don’t suit them, and it gets more difficult when approaching the topic of pronouns.

The aim is not to get words right 100 per cent, all the time, but to keep trying and make an effort. That is often more comforting to a person than someone who gets it right but cares nothing for their wellbeing.

And to fully accept a name (whether it’s a new one or just one that one does not like or is not used to) one has to accept the idea behind it and what that name means, that it is attached to a person and that that person is worthy of me getting their name right.

 

All it takes is a little bit of awareness.

Nano update

It’s day 22 and time for a nano update.

Germany seems to be top of the word count score bored list (proof of this can be seen on the nanowrimo statistics page). After having met a couple of agreeable but slightly obsessed writers I can understand why.

This is now the sprint to the finish for me and I have covered much ground along the way. I still look at pages full of words with disbelief and wonder whether I really wrote all that and in what state my mind was in while doing so, because sometimes it all seems like a very long dream.

I am wondering now: will I ever wake up and see the end?

I am looking forward to writing ‘THE END’ at the end of my novel. It’s the final touch required to finalise my creation, a coming of age, a special symbolic gesture to certify that I am really done with this.

But my characters don’t seem to want to leave. They are only just developing and coming out of their shells, enjoying themselves even in this wicked world I have created. But it is really their world and they often walk me through it as if I had no choice in the matter. They seem to know where they are going. But will they be happy with the ending I have foreseen?

There are only around 10,000 more words to write and space is becoming scant. I wonder will I even exceed the word limit and keep procrastinating events so as not to have to say goodbye to my characters and plot? Will I find the right words in the right measure to reach this goal of not extending the life of the novel too much and being overprotective of my creation?

This is the time where I can allow things to happen more quickly and release all the built up tension. I think I’ve done enough introducing and musing and now it’s time for some action.

It’s up to you to decide

…do I have the ‘X-factor’, as in ‘extremely discomforting’ or maybe ‘rather xcellent’, or not?

I will never know how people feel about me and my agender agenda unless I communicate it to them in sometimes more and sometimes not so subtle ways.

I have come up with a few ideas to make people aware of myself:

(1) gender tag: wearing my identity on my sleeve or somewhere else where it is visible to people, stating name, non-gender, and pronoun preference.

(2) going swimming topless. It sounds horrible, but other than scars, people will not be confronted by anything upsetting. Come on, I mean, huge big scars on one’s chest? That’s nothing new…..at least not to me….

(3) writing an article for a newspaper outlining something or other people should know about me, it’ll probably reach more audiences than swimming around, but will it have the same dramatic effect?

(4) writing a book. Considering I have not done my 1700 word nano toll for my 50,000 word novel today, this seems like an unlikely way to get my points across and people will still have to buy and want to read it.
I like to confront people with reality….my reality.

When I asked the person in charge of the swimming pool whether I could swim there the way I wanted to, he had no precedence case to turn to for help in making that decision and giving me a sure answer. He only said I should try swimming without a top on and observe people’s reaction and told me he would have to take me aside and tell me off for it if he saw that it annoyed fellow simming pool users.

I asked him in case I would do this and appear in front of people as a Neutrois would, with nothing to hide. Perhaps I will get shoved back in my rabbit hole, but perhaps this could be one more win for me…one more way to feel free.

Freedom is such an illusive goal when one is fighting for it on so many fronts and there’s no end in sight. Or perhaps I’m not looking hard enough?