dominicdemeyn

:Neutrois Niche:

Tag: binary

male is the new Neutrois

A lot of things have bothered me lately: the fact that my car is not insured and I cannot reach the person who is supposed to help me draw up a new insurance contract, the fact that at work I recently stayed five hours longer to complete a project which it wasn’t necessarily my job to do, and the fact that recently I have been reading a lot about individuals who take Testosterone and want to become male.

Also, I am seeing a specialist on trans issues, who is digging into my psyche and I am struggling with the emotions that go with that. I don’t want to do intense psychological work, as I’ve done this before and I hate being in that emotional place.

What freaks me out a lot lately is that this specialist is watching me and doing tests on me (only verbal tests, thank God), and has already diagnosed me with Borderline (yeah, yeah, I have known that for years) and mild autism (I got some autistic traits that counteract the Borderline traits and vice versa, which I find very refreshing). We’ve established that I am a complex person and not definitely this or definitely that and I am glad the one in charge of my name change realizes that. That’s a good start.

 

I just wonder why there are so many tests and I can’t just say I want to do this because every fibre in my body screams for it and it feels right and that is not really considered valid. Why would anyone in their right mind not accept that there is no gender? Why would anyone want me to be male or female. What’s it to them?

If you live mainly in your head and you have long stopped even feeling parts of your body and consider the body to be secondary to the mind, then I think it’s quite valid to be outisde of gender. To add to this, you do not abide by gender rules, and have nearly absolutely nothing to do with your peers (men and women, who identify themselves so). Why do people still try to make me have a gender, as if it was imperative to my existence? I can exist without one.

 

I also wonder why many who have initially said they are Neutrois or another type of agender or genderqueer or another type of label suddenly now take Testosterone and say they are a guy and even aspire to live as male. Where does this shift from genderless to male come from? Is it easier for them to do so? Has society made them do it, because of their constant stigma and forms of victimisation? Have they lost their ability to see past gender and thought in their little heads they have to settle for one, discarding their formerly so proud assertion that they are genderless?

All these defectors aren’t really helping the cause, the cause for a genderless way of life, the struggle to highlight gender politics’ bigotry and enslavement of the human spirit. Binary thinking.

For God’s sake, stop following the binary. Even if you are, in your heart and soul, a person who recognises and appreciates gender diversity and who does not necessarily feel so utterly male or female that you need to make other people’s lives hell, why don’t you show it proudly and unabashedly? Show the world that you are not part of the binary. I have three brothers, I know a lot about male priviledge and that you are able to get more out of being or presenting male and may even get to fool the medical establishment in order to get the surgery you want. But that, to me, is not a true victory. While you think you are fooling others or even being authentic, you are only playing their game and using the established gender concepts and pandering to their ideals, using their language.

I find that the struggle to be outside gender norms is akin to the struggle of women’s liberation. This is Neutrois liberation. It does not mean that this cause is more important than other causes, but it’s a highly political one and one to be taken seriously.

Please stop shaping your body accordsing to what’s practical or more suitable to society or even prettier. Unless you are truly male (and I don’t doubt that many people who take T are, or else they wouldn’t put their bodies under so much stress and make irreversible changes to their bodies), why don’t you live as neutral or at least be proud enough of it that you resist the temptation to be mainstream? Male is not the default gender for genderqueer people and certainly not for Neutrois. Neutrois exist alongside male and female and should not be amalgamated into the binary. I think it’s sad that many people default to male. It only goes to show how much priviledge is in the male gender, and how easy it is to become male (legally).

 

I sometimes seriously feel like apologising to people for being so difficult, and I don’t mean because of an inherent personality disorder or two or however many they are (I’ve not gone through all the tests that exist out there, yet). I’m talking about my gender problem. I want to apologise to the therapist (the one who determines whether I’m real), because I am so complicated and don’t ever shut up about gender equality and my desire to be outside of the binary and still have the same human rights as the default males. I want to apologise to her for taking up so much of her time, and for her having to try and understand me eventhough she knows already that I am either male or female or both. “She knows”, but yet she listens to me and my incoherent ramblings about gender neutrality. She must indeed think I am very sick and very deluded.

She is probably just waiting until I scream out for my first T shot and until I find enough masculine force in me to warrant becoming male. Or she thinks perhaps a small hormone imbalance and a bit of oestrogen would change the whole situation, and I would suddenly find myself in the kitchen preparing dinner for my husband, wearing only skimpy clothes to appeal to him, because that will be my only mission in life.

People apparently think I can be male one day and female the next. Isn’t that rather proof that these categories are arbitrary and don’t have a solid foundation?

 

Male or female energy: energy. Energy: neutral. Male or female: Neutral.

If anything, the default category should be neutral.

 

And the ennemies of gender liberation forget that there are more parts to a human than just the body, or just energy. There’s also thought and desire, motivation. There’s philosophy, morals, psychology, worldview, instinct, and all sorts of factors that decide whether one is male or female.

At least for those people who have these.

casual conversation about where to shop and another comment about short hair

Yesterday I had late shift and I am always a bit strange when I work late. Strange in a good way that is, as I become more tired as the evening progresses, I become less reserved and even silly at times, as if I was in a drunk state. (Funnily enough when I drink alcohol I get propelled into a reverse mood and get very pissed off and hermit-like).

Luckily it was a quiet working day and I had time to chat to customers. One woman from the United States (she told me she was from there) asked about good places to go shopping. She could not have known that I was not the right person to ask such a question, but it turned out that she was looking for exactly what I was thinking of: cheap and easy places to shop for clothes, such as the Walmart that they had in the U.S. . Of course I could refer her to several of these.

She was glad to receive so much information, and then she commented on my hair, said how cute this short hair was and that we were almost like sisters (because she had short hair, too). There were other customers in the store and and this woman explained to them how she had asked ‘her’ (meaning me) about places that were good for shopping, and they were eager to help her and provided her with information, too, just as I had done. It almost felt like we were all familiar to each other and having a normal conversation, just a couple of women gossiping, talking about shopping, never mind that none of us knew eachother and that I was still at work, working.

I was happy to hear that the woman approved of my hair(style), for I always enjoy hearing positive comments. The fact that she mentioned we were like sisters was kind of neat, too, because I had never had a sister and didn’t know what it would be like to  have a sister, and it kinda meant that she approved of me, for otherwise she would clearly not have said such a thing. So I concluded that her intentions were good.

However, I would have liked it if she had not so easily dropped me into a gendered category and said ‘she’ and ‘sister’ without thinking about these words. I know it’s not clear to people that I am a neutral, that I indeed see myself as genderless, but still I find gendered words so misleading and so obsolete in conversation. They tend to remove me emotionally from the one who adresses me as a ‘she’ that I cannot claim to be able to fully relate to them anymore, and eventhough they are not unfriendly to me, in my eyes the time I spend with them loses value, all the fun I could have had talking to them has suddenly been dampened by a bitter taste.

I was not going to correct her there and then, time was too short and I was still working, and not there to educate people. I wonder when my patience will run out and I will blurt my thoughts out to complete strangers who just want to buy a book or a CD and get on with their lives.

It has not happenend yet, and perhaps the tiredness that puts me in a slow and uncantankerous mood has helped avoid such a situation. For now, I am just happy that people even talk to me and say things like “I like your hair”. I don’t expect much insight into gender from them, and not a lot of intelligent comment 🙂

My name, my name, myself?!?.

I know it’s the same boring stuff: gender, names….

Recently I’ve had another little gender bender win, and I’d like to share it. I think it’s a win for all who hate to be put into oppressive roles by others, for all who are sensitive enough about their personal space (both the physical and the mental).

I’ve called myself Dominic for a while now and I’m STILL not deluded enough to think I have reached the stage of <Android> or that the name Dominic really represents me. I don’t think a name ever will.

But I’m using the name as a defence against being labelled without thought; I would like to create some form of juxtaposition, the female-ish body, the male-ish name, the changing personifcations that sometimes emerge within me, and the often stereotypical expressions or body language that is represented by my body (my limited expression-tool of self).

I think this idea might be catching on. I think many self-confessed men and women don’t even like being called casually ‘he’ or ‘she’, not because it’s SO WRONG, but because it does not take into account what else they are/can be apart from a ‘he/she’

At work (again), my supervisor is doing such a great job holding everything together and making sure we all function as a team. Recently, she has showed me the new work schedule and,voila, it had an invigorating energy to it, evethough nothing much but a few letters had changed. Mr and Miss (Frau/Herr) had been replaced by the first letter of our respective names, followed by our last names. It looked so much better than the restrictive rubbish that was there before, it looked so much better than normality. My name (my I.D. so to speak) has now been logged into the system, so everytime a new work schedule prints, it prints a part of myself that is very real and intense and alive. And I see myself projected in this writing, this whole document. It has no legal bearing, but fulfills me with a renewed sense of belonging, of not being fully alien.

We all have our uniqueness, we all have names. We are persons, not mere genders.

 

 

Where are our allies?

I recently got transferred into the transit area where I meet many more people from diverse backgrounds and also met new staff members. They were all nice, of course, but nice is not quite enough when one barely exists and is rarely, if ever, seen as an equal.

I don’t mind being patronised when I’m new at work, because it’s true that I need to listen and learn a lot of new things, but stop patronising me because of or in spite of my gender (identity).

There are so many priviledged people and they don’t even know how priviledged they are. Only when this prviledge is taken away do they realise what life can actually be like.

They say they’re so accepting, but their reaction to what I tell them about me is mostly shock or disbelief or even amusement, and most often I have to listen to patronising comments afterward. They say it’s ok to be me and then get pronouns wrong. One woman asked me what my first name was after I had told her, thinking it can’t be true. I wonder why do people not just make up their own names for me like the character Dr. Cox from the TV Show Scrubs does to the character Dorian?!

They say they are accepting of all sorts of sexualities!! Do they consider accepting the fact that I don’t like fucking? No, they don’t understand how sexuality is repulsive to me, how I’d rather protect and nourish my body than use it for someone else’s gratification. How sickening is it that they think I follow the same low standards as them when it comes to what they call ‘love’ and ‘affection’.

These days I openly tell people I am Neutrois and I often add that I am female to eunuch. I want so badly to show them my scars, to tell them what it means for me to be like this, that it means a lot more than just sitting around saying fancy new words for other people’s enterainment.

I can’t believe that they don’t get it!!

One person said at least having no gender is no problem, it’s nothing to get worked up about, really. It’s true, it SHOULDN’T be a problem, but it is. First it’s sensational to be without gender, and after a while nobody cares. After having outed yourself to people and told them personal stuff they just ignore you and get on with their gendered lives and gendering you as if you had never spoken one word about this whole topic and how you are different and you are left to pick up the pieces and try to find some form of positivty elsewhere. And the struggle to exist with your ideals in a place that doesn’t recognise these and denies you ownership of yourself (to a certain extent) continues every single day. Even when I am alone in an empty room, in my apartment, I hear those voices denying me my self.

WHERE ARE OUR ALLIES?

 

 

 

 

link to an article from www.feminspire.com re: the ever-cheerful female

link to article: DO WOMEN OWE THE WORLD A SMILE?

From the article:

“A ‘brooding’ man cuts a strong, masculine figure–there’s a seductive draw to a mysterious stranger, after all. He doesn’t reveal his secrets; he holds the promise of affection above your head. That, it seems, is the default for sexy in a man: brooding and aloof, to match the chipper availability of his female counterpart.

The problem at hand isn’t that there are some unrealistic expectations for a woman’s public demeanor. It is that certain gender roles continue to creep into polite society and limit us in many aspects from mating rituals to self-expression. This idea functions on the assumptions that “sex” and “gender” are the same thing; from there it assumes there are two fundamentally opposite sexes that complement each other”.

 

My thoughts:

I have often encountered problems with my melancholy nature. Being melancholy can become frustrating, as it’s not  a fun way to be, but it’s not bad, either. I sometimes really enjoy being a bit moody and brooding over things that bother me or interest me but that are difficult to think about and for which there often is no answer. And I don’t think that this makes a person less attractive.

But often when I am thoughtful people ask me why I am so quiet, whether something is wrong, and then they try to cheer me up, they try to get me to smile, and they are happy when I do, it puts eevrything right again…the/their world is cheerful again. But  they are not interested in the underlying causes of my broodiness or what I am really thinking of. A smile makes them happy, no matter the reason for it, it banishes the shadows of melancholy.

Especially in men the desire to see a smiling, cheerful, elfish little creature of the opposite biological structure is very appealing. It’s their little escape route from the world of worries and the mundane. But once the smile vanishes from a young girls face, the girl vanishes as well and what’s left is akin to a diseased relic of what once was a symbol of glee and inspiration. What’s left is only the cautious approach of peers who ask: “Are you OK?”

 

The dudes are in the House – it’s the shit! – No, really, it’s pretty shit!!

I just came across this article: Vaginagate: Michigan Lawmaker Silenced For Saying Vagina

My thoughts:

Though everyone’s body is personal, one can’t avoid having bodies become political. In order to practice legislation on our bodies, this is a relevant and necessary experience. It can be helpful when it comes to deciding if we want to become an organ donor or who decides to shut off life support if we are not able to make that decision for ourselves. Legislation is supposed to help us facilitate life and make difficult choices, and codify behaviour into law so that it can be applied to all of us.

Usually when we sign a form, we decide that we agree with what’s written on it, it’s our decision to have an operation or to take medication. Medical staff are able to talk to us about our situation in a professional way using medical terms and without being embarassed about our bodies.

But medical staff do not decide on legislation, it’s politicians. They don’t have the know-how that a doctor has, they don’t have the experience that a patient has. Yet they will decide on the patient’s fate by legislating their political ideas, by putting their theories into practice. How do they decide what’s to be done?

The problems with the debate about what can be done to our bodies is most outrageously exemplified in regard to the debate about abortion and contraception. It’s so ridiculous, because these ‘specialists’ spit out ideas about women’s bodies when they themselves do not possess one. They can’t even name parts of our anatomy that is relevant in this debate, because these are ‘ugly words’. Because it’s not pretty and they are shamed by saying these terms, though why they are so embarassed about a word is an enigma, when they are not embarassed by other ugly things.

Yet they know exactly that abortion is wrong, and believe they have the right to impregnate women and then force them to keep the baby. Impreganting a human being and possibly creating new life that will then suffer the same fate of existing in a hostile world is easy and apparently THE thing to do, while talking about sexual organs using proper medical terms is not allowed. Having sex (reproducing) is exceptionally normal but saying a word to do with reproductive organs is dirty?

Which mental asylum have these politicians escaped from? How can they make judgments about a body that is not their own and not even has the same anatomical make-up as theirs, without being able to talk about it, without recognising its existence as a proper body? By infantilising/patronising the word vagina, they have facilitated its mental colonisation, they have encouraged thinking that supports the idea that women can’t make decisions abuot these organs because they are juvenile, the organs themselves are juvenile and because the ones posessing them are just vessels, they have no right to make informed and autonomous decisions.

Every one of these law-makers have been born from a woman’s body. They have or have had mothers. What do they call their mothers? Will it be the next swearword? Do any of them have the guts to hold their mother down and force her to have unprotected sex and then watching her giving birth?

No, but they support just that. They sit in a well-lit, airated room full of the scent of righteousness and pride, while women all over the world only smell the foul stink of bodily emissions and hospital beds.

Tell me what gender you are, and I tell you how fuckable you are

 

 

“…But you’re still female, you were born as female?”

“(???) I am female-assigned-at-birth…”

“Ahh, I see…”

 

(script colour: burnt orange)

 

Ramblings about a remark my Dad made two days ago

Recently I told my Dad that I had had a breast removal operation.

He had noticed that I had lost weight and looked healthier than usual, so he thought I had done lots of sports or something. Anyway, I saw this talk as a good opportunity to reveal my little not-so-secret secret. He wasn’t that surprised, because I had told him of my desire to change my body nearly 2 years ago.

He was pretty supportive, and didn’t slam the ‘that’s immoral!’, or ‘that’s ugly!’, or ‘you’ll destroy your future!’ and ‘nobody will ever want you!’ against my head. My Mum is much more negative towards my decision, though she supports me, too.

I am happy that they aren’t rejecting me or criticising me everyday for my actions and my continued desire to struggle against being gendered. They never needed to fight to get their gender accepted, neither did my brothers, so they don’t understand what it feels like and how immensely important it is.

One day whilst talking about my ‘transition’ my Dad said “Well, you can still have children without breasts. Even mothers who are normal don’t breastfeed, so that’s not a problem”.  When he saw my evil stare, he then quickly added: “If you wanted to”.

I didn’t explode then and there, though if he was observant enough, he would have seen in my eyes that I was very offended at his off-hand remark. He basically said I could still be a woman and perform like  a woman eventhough I had repeatedly told him that I am NOT A WOMAN.

I tried to turn my anger into constructive criticism, and told him straight away that the problem with his theory that I could still have children and be a woman was that I am NOT a woman but a Neutrois and I NEVER want children. I then proceeded to remind him that if he’s at all interested in my health and well-being, he should never bring up the words ‘woman’, ‘children’, ‘breasts’ again in that context in relation to me. I have nothing to do with these aspects of other peoples’ lives or desires.

I think for all his wisdom, experience, and good intentions, my Mum and my Dad are still entangled in traditional gender roles. They are overwhlemed by new ideas and cannot even fathom that there are three genders, let alone that there are even more. They also still think that every female-assigned-at-birth and every male-assigned-at-birth are sexual, mostly heterosexual. They place too much emphasis on biology. They are a-romantic realists. They accept the status quo without question. The funny thing is that they are highly intelligent. When it comes to politics, human psychology, and economics, they are fully aware of the lies the mass media presents and the connections with colonialism and white supremacy. But when it comes to gender politics, they are all of a sudden blind and deaf. They can’t seem to apply the same thinking to gender as to colonialism. Gender to them is something outside of politics, economics, sociology. They both have Phd’s.

My Dad has told me that his sisters, who were all born and grew up in Syria, cannot have children and they long to have a family and feel worthless because they aren’t mothers. Perhaps this is one of the reasons why he automatically associates being female with wanting to bear children.

But then he also once compared having stomach ache due to indigestion to having birthing cramps, so I’m not sure how sensitive he really is. He’s a comedian (at heart). He often makes fun of things like every comedian does, sometimes his sensitivity is suppressed just to make a ‘good’ joke. Ridiculing something is his way to make something funny or even bearable.

My Dad shrugs things off, my Mum dramatises them. I guess it’s up to me to find a middle ground.

the love of man

man finds out what attraction is

 

man knows what love is

 

new product advertised on radical feminist’s blog, has the word ‘Neutrois’ in it

Oh, look what I found! A bit of advertisement for the Neutrois.

As a Neutrois I am thankful that someone as knowleadgable of ourselves as Against all Evidence has come up with this idea of a ‘Narcissistic Hipster Acne Wash’.

Not only have I become upgraded to a hipster (I will attempt to find out what that is asap), but also to ‘the nr. 1 queer theorist recommended’. It’s good to know what queer theorists recommend. Let me know of any queer theorist if you ever meet any, I would like to meet one, too!

Against All Evidence  is a wonderful blog and I especially like the posts on feminism and the movement for women’s liberation, because I fully support that and posts like the ones found on this site often make me really angry, almost make me weep, get me enraged, make me very emotional and wanting to know more.

To a redfem from THIS NEUTROIS: I do not support the patriarchy but neither am I in support of the matriarchy. I agree that men have ‘gone bad’ all over the world like an overripe fruit, but that does not make we want to be a woman and especially not a lesbian, because I am celibate, and lesbian sort of means having sex or at least feeling attracted to women, and I don’t like being called that or being expected to become that just because I don’t want to fuck with men, either. So, no thank you, radical feminists. I often read your blogs and marvel at your eloquence and insight into the power/gender politics, but for all your insight and revolutionary energy (which I also admire), you still fail to see other marginalised groups, people like me, ‘queer’ people, asexual people, people who don’t want to fit your agenda as much as they don’t want to fit other groups’ agendas.

It doesn’t mean I’m your enemy, but I am excluded from your own little circle of friends, just as I am looked at strangely by lots of trans women, by trans men, by gays and lesbians, by any binary-supportive system, by anyone who has sex, by anyone who doesn’t wear hats….

That is why I am NEUTROIS, I am a particular Neutrois, you can make fun of it all you want, but I’d prefer you focus on the real threat: the gender binary….oh wait, you’re part of it, I almost forgot.

But thanks for recommending this new product, it really appeals to me, it is orange-y (my favourite colour…oh no, have I reealed too much of myself?), and I do have a bit of skin impurity on my forehead, I tell myself it’s because I think too much, but it could also be just biological. I am sure other queer theorists with acne-related issues will also be happy to be able to purify themselves of skin impurities and I hope this product will take the market by storm and everyone can use it if they so desire. Have you tried it yourself since you are keen on sharing it with us?

Narcissistic Hipster Acne Wash