dominicdemeyn

:Neutrois Niche:

Tag: gender binary

Where are our allies?

I recently got transferred into the transit area where I meet many more people from diverse backgrounds and also met new staff members. They were all nice, of course, but nice is not quite enough when one barely exists and is rarely, if ever, seen as an equal.

I don’t mind being patronised when I’m new at work, because it’s true that I need to listen and learn a lot of new things, but stop patronising me because of or in spite of my gender (identity).

There are so many priviledged people and they don’t even know how priviledged they are. Only when this prviledge is taken away do they realise what life can actually be like.

They say they’re so accepting, but their reaction to what I tell them about me is mostly shock or disbelief or even amusement, and most often I have to listen to patronising comments afterward. They say it’s ok to be me and then get pronouns wrong. One woman asked me what my first name was after I had told her, thinking it can’t be true. I wonder why do people not just make up their own names for me like the character Dr. Cox from the TV Show Scrubs does to the character Dorian?!

They say they are accepting of all sorts of sexualities!! Do they consider accepting the fact that I don’t like fucking? No, they don’t understand how sexuality is repulsive to me, how I’d rather protect and nourish my body than use it for someone else’s gratification. How sickening is it that they think I follow the same low standards as them when it comes to what they call ‘love’ and ‘affection’.

These days I openly tell people I am Neutrois and I often add that I am female to eunuch. I want so badly to show them my scars, to tell them what it means for me to be like this, that it means a lot more than just sitting around saying fancy new words for other people’s enterainment.

I can’t believe that they don’t get it!!

One person said at least having no gender is no problem, it’s nothing to get worked up about, really. It’s true, it SHOULDN’T be a problem, but it is. First it’s sensational to be without gender, and after a while nobody cares. After having outed yourself to people and told them personal stuff they just ignore you and get on with their gendered lives and gendering you as if you had never spoken one word about this whole topic and how you are different and you are left to pick up the pieces and try to find some form of positivty elsewhere. And the struggle to exist with your ideals in a place that doesn’t recognise these and denies you ownership of yourself (to a certain extent) continues every single day. Even when I am alone in an empty room, in my apartment, I hear those voices denying me my self.

WHERE ARE OUR ALLIES?

 

 

 

 

He/She/It-it’s all in the head

Imagine we didn’t have these wordes to relate to people….

Imagine you just arrived on Earthe from a different part of space, and gender and its terms didn’t mean anything to you. What reference model would you use when referring to people?

Would you perhaps conclude that people with the same eye colour were related and spoke the same language? Where would you imagine the coloure in the hair/face/eyes came from? How would you interact with these people, not knowing who they are?

We as humans are fairly limited in our perceptions and other cognitive abilities. We cannot know a thinge, we only ever know of a thinge, of its relation to us and its surroundings. We evaluate eachother in order to define ourselves. Distance, Time, Touch, Smell, Sound,…and Gender are all relative. They are because we say they are, because we have created mental structures around them. They are frames of reference around which we build our ‘artificial’ world, which then translates into real life/real time.

But this knowledge, this knowing of, is not Truthe: one can relate to another by saying “I understand what you mean or even I know what you mean”, communicating that what was said was at least partially understood and thereby one can make the other person feel better, more included, less alone perhaps. Shared experience is a type of emotional bonding that is important and can have many positive effects on people, but it does not go as far as true knowledge. We do not know what it is like to be a chaire or what a dog feels and perceives with its superhuman sensory perception, and eventhough we were all once babies, we can scarcely remember that time of our lives; we don’t inhabit a baby’s body or live a baby’s life anymore (at least I suspect that most of my readers don’t).

Her/Him/It, these terms are markers, verbal cues that are part of the human language and symbole matrix within which our identities are embedded.

Nobody ever asks a person whether it wants to be called he or she, unless its obvious that there is a consciously sought transgression of gender boundaries. Nobody would think it their right to ask such a thinge, as normality has already become festooned in their conscience, their vocabulary, their neurons. Words, like experiences, make connections in our brains with which we are able to maneuvre the evironmnet we live in. Language, our verbal experience, can also change behaviour, it may redirect neural pathways and associations. If we stopped using derogatory words and gendered words (which I place in the same category by the way) we would probably start looking at reality differently.

Reality is in our heads. My reality might be different from yours.

We establish what is real through verbal, physical, mental boundaries. We can beat people with sticks, and keep them away in slums or enclaves, and we can establish power structures in more subtle ways.

He/She/It are labels, but they are empty! All they signify is that ‘he’ is not ‘she’ is not ‘it’, that there is a difference between them. In Germany we say ‘Der Stuhl’ (the chaire, male). We also say ‘Der Mann’ (the man, male). Should we therefore treat these two equally or shold we rather start respecting the chaire more or perhaps we should start throwing the man around ‘like an olde chaire’? Does the chaire have a gender and if so, how does it express it? The chaire is most likely not even aware of its name or pronouns…

As I said a while ago, I started a new job. I already introduced my name (Dominic) in many ways, by signing documents using the name, by saying I like the name and would like to be called it all the time, and even by buying a name badge for 10 Euro. I wore this at work until the supervisor found out and called it all off. My plans have thus been disturbed, but I am still happy because my workmates have accepted the name. However, they still haven’t fully understood its implications and made the mental connection between the worde and the lifestyle behind it, between the name and my identity. They still use female pronouns and define me as female, but are also willing to use a male name for me. I wonder that they don’t get more confused by doing this. But it seems pronouns and names don’t pose much of a problem as long as they are gendered. Their concept of who I could and should be is not disturbed but rather reinforced by gendered pronouns.

What they can’t get their heads around is that I exist eventhough the language to define me doesn’t.

Gender as a codifier of value

What is the real problem with gender?

 

-it doesn’t exist!

 

We need to create it and that takes a lot of time, energy, and money. It has to be reinforced in every sphere of our lives, and that requires endless attention, study, and self-sacrifice.

Gender seems to exist outside of ourselves, it has taken over. We have become slaves of gender!

Nobody gets hurt if you cut yourself or committ suicide. But as soon as you contradict the gender binary, as soon as you start messing with gender roles and sexuality, you open up a Pandora’s Box of curses, stigmas, and debate.

Political groups and religions all of a sudden take an interest in you, because gender is one of the many measures of wealth, sucess, happiness, and power. Whoever wields the gender controlling stick decides how society is to function.

Whoever controls our bodies and what we are allowed to do with ourselves has immense control of society.

Minority groups are, in essence, a collection of individual bodies who have come together or are lumped together to form a collective. If people had full control of their bodies, others, the ones deciding on what constitues normality, would have less. Therefore, fertility, procreation, marriage, image, media attention, philosophical discourse and medical practice have all been colonized by one segment of the population.

The binary requires protection from trans-identified folk, and even feminists are not immune to the fear of difference. Being trans is not complicated and not a political statement in itself, but is taken advantage of in a political climate. Imagine being a writer and having written a play that is constantly being censored and ultimately re-written by the director. In the end, the play is nothing like the original. The play has been screwed up.

Why are transsexuals allowed to have surgery now, even herded into the operating rooms like cattle in a farmyard? Because they have been deemed acceptable for retraining. They might have qualities that are attractive to the binary, they can be shifted from male to female and vice versa. Even though it’s annoying to do so, at least the categories male/female are not shifted, and that’s what it’s all about in the end. Having set definitions and regulations of what constitutes being trans helps monitor and regulate this gender playing field.

A nurse I met once told me she could understand my reluctance to go to the gynaecologist. I had repeatedly told her of my gender dysphoria and that I felt uncomfortable being poked and proddded in places I felt didn’t even belong to my body and, if I had any say in it, should never see the light of day. She gave me great encouragement when I didn’t let go of my fear of bodily invasion and talked about transition. She saw that I wouldn’t stop talking about being the one who decides what happens to my body, so she encouraged me to finally decide now on being male, because it’s really not a big deal anymore to come out, she knows many trans people, and society is so open nowadays. She said it’s impossible to live in such a state of limbo where the body is not right and that I should really talk to the doctor about this, he could help me get the necessary help.

When I told her I had already had top surgery without hormones and that I have no nipples either, she was taken aback. She was confused and then annoyed. It’s amazing how charged emotions can get when it comes to gender-aligned-to-sex. She didn’t ask me how surgery was or how I felt. I had hurt her by confusing her, while I didn’t even pay much attention anymore to her attempts at erasing my identity. She said “well, I guess it’s too late now”, too late for her to be able to tell me what to do with my body. This was not the male form, the male transition she had expected. I had taken this power away from her, I had changed the recognisable form, the form to which so much about ourselves is attached. The form that decides your worth.

Who is man and who is woman? These labels are crucially important in defining what we do, how we are to act, how we live, what life choices we are able to make. In modern society hegemony still exists and it expands by using gender as a tool to reward or punish. Traditional marriage supports gender norms, as the woman and man relationship allows for greater dominance of male-centered benefit. Many marriages are built on the premise that women are domestics and child-bearers/carers. One aspect of marriage is sexual availablity of the spouse, it’s part of the contract.

The image of a man and a woman is also important, for how else would we recognise what social class a person belongs to, what gender class? Poverty affects both men and women, but if ones gender is driven to the foreground of how important, how effective one is for commercial success, these roles and norms decide not only on our economic output capacity, but also on how much we are able to earn and gain from society. It’s no weird coincidence that transgender individuals are usually left out of receiving economic benefits.

Eventhough it makes less economic sense to deprive one group of its earning potential, such is the desire of the elite.

Gender, the gender binary, favours forced dependence. Women’s bodies, for example, have been used for ages as vessels for male sexuality and breeding. The refusal to accept birth control and abortions is still rampant in many parts of the world, even the so-called free and family-friendly United States, not because people feel morally obliged to save an unborn child, but because they are obliged to keep one major segment of the population under control, to assert dominance. When U.S. governing bodies determine that your child should be an outcast due to their gender expression or the fact that they don’t conform to traditional roles, where is the family friendliness in that? They destroy many families by promoting violence against this child,the destroy many family unions in that way. It’s not really about freedom of expression (freedom of speech) and family.

But if gender is blurred, obsolete, it benefits individuals. It would discourage the fetishizing of women, children, child-like people, trans individuals and male-and-female identified people, because gender would not determine one’s value, would not be a means to objectify and abuse. People would possibly start seeing a human being rather than a gender when dealing with another person, there would be more identification with our common plight of all being trapped in physical existence rather than being trapped in a better body, a more suitable body, a more valid body.

But the economy has its own rules, and profits (note: profits in economic terms, not in human terms) might decrease when people stop consuming eachother. Free labour would not occur as often, because equal rights would be implemented, naked bodies would not be used as sales reps for useless items.

Freeing ourselves of the gender obligation would not be a positive development….not for the capitalist who would like to sell their own grandmother if they could make a profit, not for the greedy and narcissists who only think about their own lives, it would not be good for those whose instincts tell them “you must conquer to survive”, not good for those pleasure-seeking-at-any-cost-types on this, our precious Earth.

Perhaps one day people will come to their senses. I would say….fine, keep your gender if you really have to cling to this term, but stop using it to damage other people, stop manipulating this term and creating difference when there is none. Stop evoking fear and hatred when you encounter a person that does not appeal to you aesthetically or does not fit your agenda.

Get rid of gender and its implications, you get rid of a whole set of issues that affect all of us who are trapped in human bodies. Perhaps the first step is to trying to define yourself REGARDLESS of the gender/sex that has been imposed upon us.

It’s not easy, but it can be done.

 

Tell me what gender you are, and I tell you how fuckable you are

 

 

“…But you’re still female, you were born as female?”

“(???) I am female-assigned-at-birth…”

“Ahh, I see…”

 

(script colour: burnt orange)

 

new product advertised on radical feminist’s blog, has the word ‘Neutrois’ in it

Oh, look what I found! A bit of advertisement for the Neutrois.

As a Neutrois I am thankful that someone as knowleadgable of ourselves as Against all Evidence has come up with this idea of a ‘Narcissistic Hipster Acne Wash’.

Not only have I become upgraded to a hipster (I will attempt to find out what that is asap), but also to ‘the nr. 1 queer theorist recommended’. It’s good to know what queer theorists recommend. Let me know of any queer theorist if you ever meet any, I would like to meet one, too!

Against All Evidence  is a wonderful blog and I especially like the posts on feminism and the movement for women’s liberation, because I fully support that and posts like the ones found on this site often make me really angry, almost make me weep, get me enraged, make me very emotional and wanting to know more.

To a redfem from THIS NEUTROIS: I do not support the patriarchy but neither am I in support of the matriarchy. I agree that men have ‘gone bad’ all over the world like an overripe fruit, but that does not make we want to be a woman and especially not a lesbian, because I am celibate, and lesbian sort of means having sex or at least feeling attracted to women, and I don’t like being called that or being expected to become that just because I don’t want to fuck with men, either. So, no thank you, radical feminists. I often read your blogs and marvel at your eloquence and insight into the power/gender politics, but for all your insight and revolutionary energy (which I also admire), you still fail to see other marginalised groups, people like me, ‘queer’ people, asexual people, people who don’t want to fit your agenda as much as they don’t want to fit other groups’ agendas.

It doesn’t mean I’m your enemy, but I am excluded from your own little circle of friends, just as I am looked at strangely by lots of trans women, by trans men, by gays and lesbians, by any binary-supportive system, by anyone who has sex, by anyone who doesn’t wear hats….

That is why I am NEUTROIS, I am a particular Neutrois, you can make fun of it all you want, but I’d prefer you focus on the real threat: the gender binary….oh wait, you’re part of it, I almost forgot.

But thanks for recommending this new product, it really appeals to me, it is orange-y (my favourite colour…oh no, have I reealed too much of myself?), and I do have a bit of skin impurity on my forehead, I tell myself it’s because I think too much, but it could also be just biological. I am sure other queer theorists with acne-related issues will also be happy to be able to purify themselves of skin impurities and I hope this product will take the market by storm and everyone can use it if they so desire. Have you tried it yourself since you are keen on sharing it with us?

Narcissistic Hipster Acne Wash

 

 

“I’m not trans”

In one of my recent posts I have stated, I think, that I am trans* because I want to transition. That is not really the correct way of describing being trans and should not be taken as a measure to describe other trans people and experiences.

I am trans*, but I’m not. I am trans, because I don’t fit into the cis-world, because I am not really cis (male/female), because I don’t fit the prescribed binary. So, in politically-correct (hetero-normative) terms, I probably should be placed in the trans* category (in the category ‘other’).

That’s fine, I don’t care much for being ‘cis’, whatever THAT really means. I don’t care for the politically-correct, well-established binary. Since I was born I have never fit in there, and back then I didn’t even know what trans/trans* was.

I am Neutrois and I want to change my body to fit my ideal. Like getting a tattoo or having a haircut, I want to shape my skin and other aspects of myself, because I am not happy with them (how they are at the moment). I know it’s a bit selfish and superficial, because I am ‘so obsessed’ with my body, but it is an indicator of who I am (inside, and I don’t mean organs here, I mean psychology and personality).

So, I’m happy for now to say I’m trans, eventhough I’m actually Neutrois.

I discovered this video on the Internet today. I rarely go on youtube, I am more of a reader of written blogs, but sometimes I stumble upon a video I can identify with.

Here’s one by laidbaqq. What was said in that video really resonated with me and I would like to share it on this blog with much appreciation:

A lot of trans people are bombarded with misconceptions by the wider community due to their not fitting into traditional gender roles and expectations. A lot of terms now encountered in the trans community are misunderstood and their use as dominating identity labels limit people’s freedom to move in society without gender bias.

queerbtw (Brennan) talks about this in the Femm Trans Boy-I’m not “really still a girl”. youtube video: Another must-watch for anyone interested in this topic and anyone struggling with labels.

I’m so glad that there are people out there who use their time to tell us about these things, to encourage diversity and resist the mainstream. They show us that transpeople, genderqueer people and others exist, that they have names and faces, and are real people. They have jobs, families, hobbies, they are not reducible to a label or a word or phrase or exclamation or something symbolic. They are flesh and blood, and they are walking amongst us!

movie review: Au Cul du Loup (2012)

Au cul du loup

Au cul de loup is a Belgian movie that I recently watched as part of a family event. In german the title is ‘Das Haus auf Korsika (the house on Corsica). The french literal translation of the title is ‘at the wolf’s ass’, possibly alluding to the house’s faraway location.

Storyline
The story revolves around a 30 year old emotionally volatile woman who becomes increasingly unsatisfied with her life when she finds out she has inherited a house on Corsica.
She decides to visit the island, despite her boyfriend’s and family’s desire for her to stay. The house is old and run down, but she falls in love with it and the countryside surrounding it and decides to concentrate all her efforts into renovating it. After a couple of impulsive decisions have been made, her family eventually come around to accepting her decision to stay on the island and building up her new life.

Critique
The title itself is an indicator about the general gist of the movie, the direction it takes. It’s like a roadmovie, because a lot of travel to and fro is involved, a lot of movement and nervous energy accompanies the protagonist throughout this movie and filters through to the audience. The scenery is truly beautiful and a stark contrast to the characters, the dialogue, and the emotional trauma surrounding the movie.
The characters are all sterotypes that can be found in numerous other genres, and seem to be thrown together as a background to the heroine and her journey to find herself and her freedom. There’s a downbeat boyfriend who works as a barkeeper and seems to have grown into his role and his life. He’s jealous and moody and seems lazily-happy in his defeatist role. The father of the woman who this film is about is controlling, prone to anger and close-minded, the brother is a good-for-nothing teen, the mother a good, understanding housewife who does not seem to mind her husbands temper. There are also some typical countryside types that are part of the Corsican landscape. The 30 year old waitress-heroine is the most disappointing character of all: she’s not particularly intelligent or witty and seems to just go through life as if in a daze. She’s neither financially nor emotionally autonomous but relies on family, her boyfriend and familiar surroundings to define herself and her life. Granted, until this house comes up, and she is caught in romantic expectations of huge proportions. She expects her new life to just emerge out of the blue, and things to just fall into place. She relies on absolute strangers to help her out (she often needs help) and never seems to fully regain her composure and stability. In the end, she does seem to be more sure in herself, but there’s a strong sense, that she will always lack confidence and the ability to manage her own life. She’s motivated and energetic, but chaotic and passive. To me she is not a particularly courageous character, I don’t have much sympathy for her. However, she seems very realistic.
The island’s romantic setting constrasts with the characters worldiness and their many issues and mistakes. Family relationahips are at the forefront of this drama, an individual’s search for herself, and a certain amount of cross-cultural communication. The relationships are all problematic and their foundations are shattered when one new idea is introduced: to move away from the known wolrd of city life and start anew in the country. How this issue is tackled is also problematic. One example of childish behaviour is the communication between the protagonist and her boyfriend. Apart from not seeming to communicate much at all, the rebellious (*sarcasm) heroine tries to convince her boyfriend to accompany her overseas. When he is unphased by her ideas and her desires, she uses all her wit and guile to change his mind. So what does she, in fact, do: She uses sex to blackmail him into giving in according to the motto: if you don’t do what I want, I will not have sex with you. At first, this tactic seems to work, but then the boyfriend, oh shock, reverts back to his old self and forgets all about his contract with her and she’s back where she started. Noone seems to listen to her and take her seriously. I wonder why.
Then there’s this guy she meets in Corsica, who works locally as a shepherd. He has his own issues, that are briefly looked at. When the woman comes to Corsica she has almost nothing with her and no plan on how to proceed. All of a sudden, she finds herself in the rugged countryside in an old, dilapidated house, exposed to the cold, far away from what she is used to. She is also very much at the mercy of the locals and has to rely on their goodwill to fit in. In theory it’s a romantic notion to be doing something so drastic as to leave the old behind and move towards the new and exciting, to be so utterly spontaneous. It feels great at first, until reality kicks in and one is confronted with one’s tearing emotions and insecurities.
As said earlier, the protagonist is alone in a new place, without the normal amenities of civilised life, without much social interaction. She doesn’t seem well-travelled and is still a bit naive and definitely lonely and scared. She seems overwhelmed by her own feelings and the task she has set out to do. Whereas before she was stuck in a routine in Belgium, now she seems stuck in the outdoors, neither moving forward nor back.
Having nothing much in her inherited house, she is helped (without asking for it) by this supposedly romantic shepherd-figure, who pops out of nowhere and recedes into the distance again. He gives her some basic stuff that is supposed to help with the cold nights in the cottage. She, the starry-eyed heroine almost runs after him straight away, seeking his presence constantly and even puts herself in danger for a bit of human comfort. Her emotions always seem to get the better of her intelligence and self-preservation instinct. She seems to be desperate for human contact. In one scene, which I find particularly disturbing, she has followed the farmer (shepherd) back to his place and has borrowed his jumper because hers has become stained with dirt when she was helping him catch a goat. She says something like ‘I’ll check if my clothes are ready now’ (as they were drying somewhere) and then what does the great hero of the story do: He just puts his great bulky body directly in her path and kisses her without any forewarning. I suppose some folks find that stuff romantic, but I am not one of them. He continues to try and seduce her in his house, and she is clearly distressed, a hundred different things racing through her mind. Then, what does she do? She apologises for her bad conduct, for how dare she say ‘No’ to such a machomanly man. She apologises to him for not letting herself be seduced and fucked by him…It’s not him, it’s her, she’s faulty, it’s all her fault for being so stupid and not being able to have sex with a man she has just met a couple of hours ago and while she’s in a foreign country with a disturbed past and an uncertain future and no family support and a boyfriend…Oh, the poor guy, his blissful evening has been destroyed by such a one as her. What hatred he must feel now, but now he says that it’s all ok, she is allowed to go her way. He won’t rape her today after all, I guess he must be a bit tired himself. What a saintly man to be allowing her to make such a decision, Go saintly man!
I guess it would be easier to take the woman’s side in this, if she wasn’t so damn gullible and wouldn’t latch onto every person she met. She also isn’t really the most trendy or attractive (sorry). She seems to make up for this by letting her breasts nearly hang out of her top at every possible occasion, and I doubt it’s because it’s warm in Corsica. It’s just her style. It’s her thing, no doubt, but it’s not to her advantage to be exposing her private parts like that, bathing nude in the river just because someone suggested it.
Then she runs to her whoring new man, and she’s disappointed that he has a new sweetheart, who must have emerged while she was away back where she came from.
Lastly, I would like to mention the family in this story. They are not the happy family in a fairy tale, but neither have the characters enough depth and emotion to even have problems. They just talk past eachother and ignore eachother, which changes slighlty at the end and leaves a bitter after-taste, because the change just happened without any explanation and happened because of a silly accident. The father has finally come to help his obsessed daughter to renovate, because she lacks both technical knowledge and physical srength to help herself. Fair enough. The brother arrives, too, and starts to enjoy bonding with his father through working at the house. But then new drama enfolds, and it’s all the protagonists fault, because she started all this. Her father suffers a stroke and barely survives, and all she can think of is the house. This goes to show that she’s a troublemaker and that bad things happen, when one follows one’s dreams. A family member could get hurt. It is revealed that the Dad is actually ok with keeping the house after all, he allows the heroine to make her own decisions and she is served his approval after all. So all is good, because everyone is ok in the end.
This is where we, the audeince, are left and the film ends. Nothing more is said about the boyfriend or how the relationship with this shepherd continues, or if the father will fully recover. The audience can decide that for themselves, but unfortunately they cannot rewrite the film. A whole new story and set of characters would have to be created, eventually creating a new film, so editing this one wouldn’t work. One could, perhaps, make a music video out of it. A few scenes in the film lend themselves well to rap or hip hop, perhaps one could mix a bit of folk in because that would suit the landscape.

age restriction: 6 years

Afterword
What worries me most about this film is not its general crappiness, for there are many such films all throughout the virtual world. As a Neutrois (a genderqueer) one has trouble finding any film that hasn’t got some stange characters and is full of stereotypes and things that just don’t fit. I couldn’t think of a movie or TV show that exemplifies gender versatility and acceptance of otherness or does not somehow appropriate someone’s culture.
What worries me is the FSK 6, that it is rated 6+ in my country. That means 6 year olds, especially ones who might be dragged to watch this by their parents or are indoctrinated into the genre of romantic comedy (because it’s so romantic and so funny…yes?) are going to watch gender stereotypes unfold at every new camera shot, are going to watch dysfunctional relationships without really understanding the context (because I doubt they already think like adults), and are also going to watch sex scenes, pornography, and superficialty.
A child may be smart and failry grown up, but a child should not be able to watch trash and pornographic trash at that. Maybe we should call these films something else. Instead of romantic comedy (which this relaly isn’t) let’s call it male-phantasy trash, or a cheap attempt at a light-hearted summer family movie gone horribly wrong, or regurgitated waste material from a production studio.
The only good thing about having seen this film is that I now know how bad it and useless it is. It has no entertainment value, no wit or humour, no characters to marvel at, no story that engulfs you and lets you forget you are sitting in a cheap cinema seat, no speactacular events, no complexity, no depth.
I guess it’s dificult to step out of the mould and create a film that is new, rich, and refreshing in its portrayal of men and women. Let alone a film that includes people who are genderqueer or question anything (gender binary, sexuality, politics, ….). Things are not questioned here, the characters are controlled by life, and do not control their own life. They are passive drifters and I believe will keep on drifting after the film has ended. But why is it so difficult to portray something else? Chefs in fancy restaurants come up with new creations all the time, ad agencies have to find new ways to sell a product and reach new markets, why not film makers? They are the story-tellers, the ones who are able to hold mirrors in front of us and show us who we are and what’s currently wrong with society, they are the artists and can help disseminate new ideas.

Letter to film-makers
Why is it so difficult to make a film that is NOT about stereotypes and weak men and women, and the old conflict between the two? Why do we even need men and women in a film, why is it so important?
In a film, everything is done on purpose, unless it’s an improvised film. The script is there for a purpose and followed by the actors, the places are well-chosen, the costumes for the characters are not just there because they were lying on a street when the film was shot. Nothing is coincidence in a film, that would cost too much money and be a gamble. So why not use your creativity, you directors, and produce something of value? Something that is challenging and new? Aren’t you getting bored of the same old shit or is producing films just about the revenue you will get for churning out something that is easy for common folk (the majority of the population) to watch? Why not be the artists you are? In this industry, in the industry of make-believe and story-telling, you should have the least problems to create new stories and push the boundaries. For when even our dreams, our creativity, illusion, and phantasy is based on regenerating old concepts of gender and culture, that’s when we will start loosing part of our identity and being human. Our ability to dream will be hampered, our minds made stale and unproductive. We won’t become mindless robots through body modifications, but through mental indoctrination and the dullness of our minds. Next time I will go and watch a movie I really want to see, I would like it to be one of yours.

The GenderQueer Atheist on YouTube

http://www.youtube.com/user/GenderQueerAtheists?feature=watch

 

1 week of work over and I think I need a holiday

It’s been a week since I started my new job in a factory-like environment, where everyday one does the same repetitive task for hours. I thought this would give me an opportunity to be alone with my thoughts (and earn money at the same time) and not have to comunicate with people (too much), but it appears to be the case that people will communicate with me, even if I don’t communicate with them.

I just want to do my job and then go home to some more me-time (as arrogant as that might sound). I can’t wait to step out of  that infested cage that my co-workers inhabit. They are nice enough (meaning they call me Dominic and don’t beat me up for existing, at least not physically). But they just can’t help ‘being funny’. The only thing I find is funny is that they are talking to a wall, to someone who is so utterly removed from them as to not even live in the same universe (at least not the same head-space universe).

Their grand conduct is starting to piss me off, and it’s been only a week at work; how will I be able to shut myself off from them for a whole month? How can one be so immature as to laugh and make a ‘joke’ (something about genitalia) everytime someone asks for a ‘Gummi’ (a german word for elastic band that is also often used as a word for condom)….after the 100th time, it sort of gets a bit un-funny.

Here are some more comments I had to listen to:

Context: I had been talking about me trying to remove myself from gender, as I didn’t think it existed and that it was damaging to myself and others, so I told them about the double mastectomy and other life choices and being a Neutrois

“Well, that’s not very womanly and grown up to be running away from yourself, you seem to be more of a girl than a woman”

(Response (real or imagined): Well, that’s exactly my point: I am NOT a woman, deal with it!)

“Hey Dominic, don’t dream at work!” “She’s a bit of a dreamer”…

(First you call me Dominic, then you use the female pronoun; seems you haven’t learnt yor lesson…are you trying to turn me into a transwoman now, or what?)

Context: The supervisor came walking by (back and forth) smelling strongly of some (I am guessing ‘male’ perfume, though perfume has no gender) and then ended up talking to his intimates (the people who work for him but who he also relates to on a deeper level because they all have dicks) and goes and says:

“She MUST be a lesbian”

(I said before that I am anti-sexual, I am celibate. That does NOT make me a lesbian, because a lesbian would have a sexual orientation, whereas I have none. I like neither men nor women, nor indeed am I attracted to Neutrois or other people. I am NOT sexually attracted to anyone, I am repulsed by them! Just because I don’t drop down to the floor and start undressing and behaving all submissive to you and your colleagues, eventhough you are wearing perfume and smell so ‘manly’, that does not make me a lesbian. Get over it, man!)

“Well, I don’t understand you, it’s a lot to stomach”, one of his colleagues: “I don’t get it, either!”

(Yes, of course you had to say that to pledge allegiance to your superiour and make sure that everyone knows that you, too, are not into my ideas and can never understand how a woman (since I told them, after they just wouldn’t let go of the question, that I was born female) cannot want children and a man (someone apparently with ugly stinking parts hanging between their legs). UNFATHOMABLE)

Context: The men (people with dicks, in case anyone forgot how important they are) talked about female health issues after a female colleague mentioned why she wasn’t confident in getting her motorbike license. She said she often had pain in her pelvic area due to some issue with her bone health and structure. This prompted the men (de menz) to discuss in length female propensity to suffer from these issues and how it would affect their child-bearing capacities. Undoubtedly they will also have thought that, in fact, this might be the reason why I have not yet pressed a screaming little shit-head human out of my precious body.

(In fact, I don’t like pain and having to care for some ugly fucking human for the rest of my life; I am not into children (screaming little dirty fucking shits) and am rather fond of the no-child, no-copulation (ever) policy.

Context: I talked more in detail about why I wanted and eventually got a mastectomy. My fresh scars are still hurting, even while I am typing this now, and it’s a particularly sensitive and important issue for me. And what does one of those old-fashioned men say to me:

“Oh well, I know that some women get that done, because there’s cancer running in the family, and they are scared of getting cancer”

(So, mastectomy is allowed for any other reason than not liking your God-given breasts?)

________________________________

These men at work are an interesting study of how the human brain can work to deny any and all evidence to an argument one does not agree with. The brain (and yes, even men are endowed with it, though they tend to focus on the fat down there) is an amazing organ and protects us as best it can from mental shock and things we don’t want to see. It seems even men are not immune to this.

So while they will continue (for how long, I wonder?) to study me and look or signs or lesbianism, mental illness, sexual deviance, or impotence (even a blink of an eye while talking about these things will be enough evidence for them to deem me such and such, because a blink of an eye will be considered a response and if I respond that means ‘YES” to whatever it is that men currently think about, eventhough a might’ve just blinked because that’s what humans tend to do when they sit for hours in front of a computer screen), I will continue to study them and all their short-comings as human beings and as beings who define themselves and almost everything around them/everything that affects them through the gender lens.

Funnily enough, I did not get any thoughts from the women co-workers on my ideals, other than something along the lines of “Well, each to their own” and “if you are happy with your choices”…..Apparently these women had no need to defend themselves from me and my ideas…

bought a black ring, eventhough I’m not nearly as asexual as people on AVEN

So, a finally bought a black ring today. I’m wearing it on the middle finger of my right hand like I’m supposed to, to signify my disinterest in sexual activities (to promote asexualism).

I doubt people will understand or even care what it means, so I’ve thought up other methods to let them know how I feel about this topic:

What if I could just use a device that would give a person an electric shock, everytime they would think of a sexual act involving me. Just a thought would be enough to insult and put me at risk, so I would just trigger the device and out the thought would go. This could be repeated as many times as required to make the person understand (to educate them) of my desires, since they are so interested in desire in the first place.

I often have negative thoughts about people, too. I have my share of evil energy, believe you me! But mine differs slightly from a sexual person’s. I don’t want to torture people, I just want to kill them and get it over with. In addition, while I think of a fast and effective way of killing them (their bodies), they are attempting to kill my soul. While I want to get rid of them because they are a threat to my safety and sanity, they relish in my agony and take pleasure in inflicting physical pain. While killing them quickly will mean that they might suffer a little pain before they are dead, their actions will have repercussions and hurt a million more times after the event and haunt me for the rest of my life. Therefore, I believe my thoughts of killing them are far less damaging than their thoughts of sexualizing me.

Maybe I should change my attitude, and reject the idea of killing them (I don’t want to go to prison) to a more traditional idea which is just in line with their own philosophy: don’t necessarily kill, but conquer! I would love to introduce the idea of zapping sexual deviants (most sexual people, in my opinion) until they cannot articulate their needs or desires, just like so many females in the world.

After having read a bit of Andrea Dworkin’s ‘intercourse’ series, and having been part of the AVEN community, I really wonder WHY CAN’T WE JUST ADMIT THAT WE DON’T LIKE SOMETHING?

Why do we always have to be either neutral or activiely like and endorse a product or activity? Children complain about vegetables (and they are even good for them) and nobody harasses them for it. Am I not allowed to say I hate something (something and not someone)? Why am I not allowed to express my ideas? Why can I not say I’m anti-something? All I’m saying to people is “I really hate this, I don’t want this and I really want you to know and accept that”.

I aspire to be a neutral, but that doesn’t mean I have no likes/dislikes or personality or personal rights. I would like to neutralise gender and sex, not my personal freedom of expression!!

I am wearing this ring in case anyone knows what it signifies and if someone asks, I will not hesitate to explain the details, that I’m not asexual (as in neither like nor dislike sex and am neither for or against it) but that I’m highly antagonistic to sexual activity and thought, highly antisexual. There’s a big difference there, and although I know I tend to the extremes (as in highly anti-), I also think that people all over the world should be allowed and even encouraged to express their sexual preferences OR LACK THEROF.

Maybe people are so scared of others expressing their sentiments for fear of starting something that will eventually not be stopped by commercialising people’s bodies and constant brainwashing; an acknowledgment of personal freedom (from hegemony and platitudes). If some individuals start criticising the institution (to which sexuality belongs) then maybe more will follow. And then what? Of course, the world will come to an end (and people with female genitalia or gender all over the world will gain more confidence and more rights). Oh my God, what a horrible thought that is….not. So forgive me for advocating the anti-sexual stance (yet another term, like Neutrois, and non-gender, and freedom) that does not really exist. But it doesn’t mean that it’ll be suppressed forever.

Some day I’ll be able to say “I don’t agree with phallocentric ideas” and I will not be scolded, but applauded.

“noone ever told me I had the right to say something!”